Chapter 1-8: Dark Star

“It feels like it’s been awhile since our last session, I was starting to think you just didn’t like me as a therapist,” the doctor chuckled, “So, Holland. You’re nineteen, so legally your parents can’t force you to be under our care, so how come you have chosen to stay?” 

Her face looked perplexed as she thought the answer was hardly difficult to figure out. 

“I want to get help for the cocktail that is my mental health.” 

He laughed again, the same way he always did at her wit. Even though she had participated in several therapy sessions with him now, letting someone who was honestly no more than a stranger into her mind, the lifelessness of something that is supposed to be lively never did sit right with her. Laughs and chuckles are supposed to be happy and warm, but his seemed distant and forced, like someone pushed a button on a robot.

“But you could go anywhere. Why here?”

“I don’t know. Here is just as good of a place as any.” 

“Tell me about the relationships you’ve built here. Any friends?” 

“There’s Lily and Eli, but that’s about it.” 

At the sound of Eli’s name, the man in the leather chair raised his eyebrow. It’s as if he was saying “Ooooh, Eli,” in his best caddy schoolgirl voice, without the vocalization. 

“Eli, Eli,” he paused, trying to put a face to the name, “Oh! Eli, yes. And how is he doing? Have you been alone with him a lot?” 

“That’s a very specific question.” 

“Do you have more than a friendship is what I mean. Do you have feelings for one another?”

She mulled the questions over in her mind. This was a safe space; she could say anything. But she wasn’t exactly sure. Did she? Did he?

“I don’t know. I think he likes me, but I have a…boyfriend thing. Kind of.” 

The therapist’s face seemed to devoid itself of color. He sat his pad of paper aside and rested his elbows on his knees. 

“I see. Holland, I need you to be careful around certain people you call your friends. You have your own mental hindrances, but you are of right mind. Don’t forget where you are. There are sick people here and they can be capable of very bad things. Can you remember that for me?”

“So you’re saying I should maintain my deep seated trust issues?”

Another robot laugh.

“Not at all, we will work on all we can while you are here. But for now our time is up. Just keep it in the back of your head and let me know how things with you and him progress, if they do. Have a good day, Holland.” 

--------------------

Fourteen. 

That’s how many ceiling tiles Holland counted above her on the bed. She laid there contemplating, deciphering all the incoming messages she had received since the day she arrived. 

“Only he can give you the key to the closet where his skeletons are,” played over in her mind for what had to have been the one hundredth time. “Be careful around certain people.” 

And by people, he means Eli. 

What is so wrong with Eli?

“Hey.”

A knock on the door startled Holland from her thoughts as Eli stood in the doorway casually. She sat up a little too quickly, making her head spin.

“Speak of the Devil, I was just thinking about you…” 

“Was I naked?” 

She swallowed, laughing nervously. 

“No, not like that. Come in,” she whispered, giving the blanketed space beside her a pat. The bed bowed with his weight when he sat. Her legs were crossed while he had his feet facing the door, but his eyes directed at her halfhearted smile.

“So we have a pattern, I’ve noticed. We do this thing where one of us puts our foot in our mouths and then we don’t talk for a few days. I don’t think I'm okay with that.” 

“Oh, yeah, I see what you mean. Seems like we are good at that. I’m not a fan of how my foot tastes, I need a pedicure for sure.” 

He shook his head with a grin, “Always something witty to say.”

“Free of charge,” she smirked, “unless you just want to be a gracious customer,” she added, recalling what he had told her while poking fun simultaneously. 

“Who knows, maybe I will be.” 

Holland felt the warmth rush to her cheeks as the mood somersaulted from playful to something else entirely. 

Maybe I want you to…

It was like the more people told her to be careful, to stay away, the more intrigued she became, the more mysterious he appeared. She couldn’t help herself. She wanted to see those skeletons that Lily knew he had. 

“You would have to come closer for that.”

The way he tensed made a part of her fill with a sick sense of pride. Like she was getting off on the fact that he was attracted to her, that he wanted her. Maybe it was because she never was certain with Jesse, but with Eli she was. And she was giving into it. 

“Do you want me to get closer? Because you can’t take it back.” 

The darkness that surrounded him was so alluring to her, and it was like she never noticed before tonight, but now she was aware, and it was quickly becoming a craving she never knew she had. 

Before she answered he turned and crossed his legs too, facing her. 

“I’ve done bad things, Holland. Hurt people I care about. I don’t want to hurt you too,” he said low, desperation and regret staining his voice, “I could be bad for you.” 

Her heart was racing inside her chest as the words rolled off his tongue. Their legs were touching now and she inched her face forward towards his. The room was dark except for the hallway light that poured in through the doorway. It was late, and he shouldn’t have been in here, but something compelled him, and she wasn’t complaining.

His eyes reflected in the light perfectly, capturing their awe. Holland swallowed another rising lump in her throat, this one more desirous than the previous. Her fingers found his cheek, running over the stubble that hadn’t been shaved in a few days. 

“I’ve always liked things that are bad for me.” 

Before she could catch her breath, he stole it from her. He brushed his lips against hers softly, but with an intent that pleaded to be important. She returned the heat he was giving, sinking into his kiss like it was a big wool sweater on a cold winter’s day. The world seemed to pause, the only thing moving was the electricity that was coursing between them. As if all the bullshit with Jesse, with her father, with her own demented, broken mind, wasn’t there anymore. She was in her safe haven. 

She was home.

--------------------

She followed the visible traffic back and forth with her eyes waiting for the sign of her father's arrival. He had called and said that he wanted to talk to her and that it was important. Thoughts of what this conversation was going to pertain to jumped from one extreme to the next. 

"Holland, can we talk in a more secluded area," Ares asked. 

"Um, okay," she replied walking out to a sun room that encased her in radiant sunlight. 

They sat across from one another with her in an arm chair and him on the couch. 

Her father had a disposition that was unfamiliar. His eyes looked soft in the way that Holland had only seen when he was looking at her mother. 

Oh God... Mom.

"Dad," she said, panicked, "what is this about? What's going on?" 

"Holland, I came here to have a serious discussion with you. You've been in this place for a while now, and I put you here. I feel this human emotion, your mother calls it guilt, and it is not pleasant. I wish to relieve it." 

Holland couldn't help but turn the corners of her mouth upward in a chuckle. 

"You feel guilty for admitting me?"

"I feel this 'guilt' for not giving you the proper opportunity to overcome your addiction at home. You have your father's strength, you know. You're doing exceptional in your recovery. I want you to know something, Holland. 

I'm proud of you."

Her rising grin crumbled down into a look of shock and her lip began to quiver. She had waited her entire life to hear those words come from his mouth. She was definitely not expecting this when he said they need to talk about something important. The edges of her eyes stung with the slow forming tears of what could only be gratification.

"I...you are?"

"I am. I know I haven't always expressed in such ways that are convincing, and I regret that. I want my only child to know that I love her."

He stood up and she followed after he gestured her to. Holland was an average height, maybe a little above, but her father towered over her. After all, he was a Greek god. He hugged her, and she couldn't remember the last time he had before this. She etched every last detail of the moment into her mind, the same way the setting sun was knitting its warmth into her skin through the windows. 

"I love you too, Dad," she smiled, tears staining his shirt. 

"I have to go now, but I wanted you to know that whatever is keeping you away from the temptation, hold onto it. You have the strength of the gods in your blood, and it won't be much longer until your treatment is through and you can have a fresh start. Be safe, and be smart, Holland." 

She nodded, absorbing his words. 

"I will, Daddy."

I promise. I won't let you down, not this time.

Chapter 1-7: Ghost

"We're going to have to build an arc, Jesus fuck."

"I think you just broke like three commandments," Holland laughed, shaking her head at Lily.

It had been raining off and on for almost two weeks. Creeks and rivers were rapidly on the rise, flooding surrounding areas of Bridgeport. Because there was a hospital below the psych ward, the city had sandbagged and did a mostly good job of keeping any increasing water away from the building. 

So Jesse could still visit today. But that doesn't mean that some last minute, forgotten about plan wouldn't come up and spoil it. Holland learned to never get her hopes up with him the hard way, or was starting to. 

The facility they all resigned in wasn't rundown, but it was mediocre at best. Although her mother was a popular fashion blogger, she wasn't made of money and treatment can run pretty high. She wanted Holland to get good care, but wanted to be a strong support system herself. Although, with her busy life, she was unfortunately falling short, leaving Holland to her own devices. 

"Phone call, Miss Young." 

She held the phone to her ear and Jesse's voice echoed through the other end. 

Here we go, cancelling on me, again. 

"What's your favorite color?" 

"What? Why?"

"Just answer me, Hol." 

"Purple..."

"Oh. I thought it was white...Eh, I'm sure you'll like this. I'll see you soon."

And before she could say anything else, the line was disconnected. Her face was puzzled but turned to surprise when Eli came up behind her silently before saying 'Hey' over her shoulder. 

"Jesus, Eli. You've got to stop doing that. It's a psych ward, not a spy movie."

"The name's Montegomery. Eli Montegomery."

"You're such a dork, I swear to God." 

"So is your boyfriend coming today?"

"He's on his way. That was him just now." 

"I was thinking we could hang out today. Go to some bullshit art class or something." 

"After, yeah? I hear it's game night and I'd love to watch you cry when I beat you at Monopoly." 

"Okay. Have fun, Holland." 

He turned and she swore she heard him whisper under his breath something along the lines of 'Be careful' or 'Be smart,' but maybe that was her own self speaking up. 

A while later Jesse showed up, and he looked less than put together. His hair hadn't been combed in what seemed like a week, his clothes were wrinkled and he smelled like smoke. Holland noticed the odor before noticing the white roses in the glass vase he had in his hand.

"Here, baby! Look what I got you!"

She smiled, but it faded into a guilty frown.

"Jesse, they are beautiful and the thought means the world to me...but I can't have them here. The vase is glass, and they have thorns and we can't have anything that may be a danger to us or someone else. I'm so sorry." 

"If you don't want them, you don't have to make up an excuse, you can just say so." 

Her face twisted, an aback look spreading across it. 

"What? Jesse, no. I'm being serious. I know it seems kind of extreme but I don't make the rules. If I could take them I would, I swear." 

Why was he being like this? Her eyes started to water at the corners and  her arms were wrapped so tightly around herself that she felt as if she couldn't breathe. Guilt poured through her like it was somehow her fault. 

"Fine. Maybe I'll just give them to someone else." 

Her mouth fell open, and she pressed her nails into her skin so deeply it almost drew blood. 

"I- I don't want to see you anymore. Go home, Jesse." 

She had never said that to him before. She had never felt like she was the one in control of what he did to her. But now, she was. 

--------------------

There was supposed to be time allowed outside today, but because of the downpour, it was postponed. 

Holland made a bee-line for the nurses station, looking for Gloria, the nurse that seemed to look out for her. She always notified Holland of phone calls and when to take her meds. She was a middle aged woman, with tan skin and a sing song voice that could make an insult feel like a compliment. 

"Can I go outside?" 

"Holland, honey, our outdoor time is put off until it stops raining." 

"Please...Gloria. Please can I?" 

Anyone could see the pleading in her greenish eyes. Gloria gave a sympathetic half smile before walking around the desk of the nurses station and putting an arm around Holland. She led her to a door that led to the fenced in area and spoke to her softly.

"Now, Holland. I'll give you twenty minutes. I'm not supposed to be doing this, but I can tell that you really need it, and I'm trusting you." 

She nodded, fighting back the tears but some still slipping through.

"Okay, Gloria. You can. Thank you. Thank you so much." 

The grass was wet, the picnic tables had puddles on their surfaces, and rain came down just hard enough to be cinematic. The precipitation had drenched her hair in seconds, making her clothes stick to her skin. She slid against the wall of the building, the cement cold against her back. 

She was finally alone, and now that she was, her own storm fell from her eyes. All she ever did was love him, yet his love always seemed so far away. Like an abstract concept, or a fifth dimension. She'd move mountains and jump canyons to be with him and she wasn't sure he'd even walk around the corner.  

Her chest heaved and ached as the tears poured down her cheeks. For months and months on end she wondered if she should go. If she even had the ability to. Any resolve that had Jesse still in the picture didn't seem like much of a resolve at all. She was so much better without him, but that never changed the fact that she loved him with everything that she had. 

How can you love someone like this and they not be what you need?

He always had her dying to keep up with his promises on the horizon, but the sun was setting now. It was starting to burn out completely, warping into a black hole. 

--------------------

The sound of metal clicking caught in her ears. Had the few minutes of solitude she asked for passed already? The solitude she wanted, welcomed. The one that didn't make her feel hollow inside, was it gone, like everything else? 

"Holland..."

That's not Gloria.

Eli.

"God, what?" she asked, anguish staining her voice that barely carried, "what do you want from me?"

He knelt down to her but his lips remained closed. Her eyes met his face but it was as unreadable as a foreign language. She went to ask him again, because maybe the rain drowned her out or maybe he was going deaf.

"Absolutely nothing. I wan't nothing from you. Okay, that's a lie... I want you to let me be there for you." 

Holland blinked, droplets catching on her eyelashes. 

"Why? So you can get close to me and hurt me like everyone else does? My boyfriend-if that's even what he is- doesn't care about me, my own fucking dad doesn't care about me, why should I fool myself into thinking you care about me?

I'm alone, Eli. And I'm always going to be. 

Stop trying to save me." 

"I can't do that," he said, hushed and slow, like it was a secret he shouldn't be sharing.

"Why?" 

"Because..." 

She wiped the tears from her eyes, "That's why? Just 'Because?' My hero."

"You know, you can be a real asshole sometimes," he grimaced, getting to his feet and looking down at her, "I'm trying to be nice, to be a friend to you. One minute you want to be friends and then the next you act like this and wonder why I don't talk to you. Not everyone is going to hurt you. Not me. I'm actually trying to protect you." 

Her hands pushed into the pavement as she lifted herself off the ground, standing square in front of Eli,"Protect me from what? I don't need protecting!" 

"From yourself. The guy treats you like shit and you let him. You stick around. Why don't you stick up for yourself the way you did with your dad, huh? Why do you give yourself to people who don't deserve you?"

"Don't deserve me? Who deserves me, Eli? You? Are you jealous or something?" 

"I'm not jealous of a guy who treats you like shit. And I'm not jealous of a guy who has a girl who lets it happen. I want to be there for you Holland, but I'm not gonna literally and figuratively be your shoulder to lean on every time he hurts you and you do nothing. You have fight in you. Use it."

They were close in proximity to one another but he stepped back and headed for the door, his fingers wrapping around the handle. He opened it, but stopped and looked back at her, her arms folded and her hip to one side. Her jaw was clenched like she was either holding something back or at a loss for words. Either way, she said nothing. She just stared at him with softened eyes.

"And for the record, I don't deserve you either. But you haven't told me to go away yet, so I'm sticking around, cause I wish I did." 

Chapter 1-6: Lost Boy

“Have you seen Eli?”

Lily looked up from the book she was reading that rested on her bent knees.

“No actually, I haven’t. I thought he’d be wherever you were. What’s up?”

“Eh, I don’t know. I was kind of an asshole to him and I want to apologize.”

She slid a picture into the crease where the pages met, marking her place and setting it on the table beside her.

“What happened?”

“I just told you…”

“No. You told me you were an asshole but not why.”

“I just was okay. He just wanted to talk and I basically told him that if he had something wrong he could shove it. He didn’t, or at least that’s what he said. I just feel bad.”

Lily’s lips were in a slanted half frown, like she was disappointed that this little soiree was too uneventful to interrupt her reading.

“Try the roof. He likes it up there.”

“Thanks, Lily.”

She took the stairs to the roof and the door had been propped open with a cement block. She could hear the breeze and the cars, but something else too. Music. She pushed the door open further and stepped over the block, finding that Lily’s prediction was an accurate one.

“Hey…”

She didn’t catch the song that was playing before he turned it off. He didn’t say anything to her and the smile she was giving him evaporated within a few seconds of his silent treatment.

“Eli, I wanted to apolo---“

“Who are you?”

“What?”

He repeated himself.

“I’m Holland…Eli, are you okay?”

He turned to look at her and she could see his face soften, and she wondered if that’s why he was avoiding her, because he wanted to stay upset. Like being upset was easier than whatever else was going on in his head.

“I know your name. I’m talking about who you are. Did you just pretend to be a nice girl and then turn into an ass when that frat boy comes around?”

She sighed, resting her hands firmly on the same ledge that almost assisted in her death. She knew she had upset him but she was taken aback by the question. She felt differently around Jesse than she did Eli, she couldn’t deny that. But she was still her.

“People act differently around different people.”

“Only if they want to give the impression they’re something that they’re not.”

“I don’t think it works like that. And how would you know anyways? Are you stalking me or something?”

His voice was low and disgruntled, the veins in his arms were bulging against his skin because his fists were balled so tight. He wanted to throw something, but there was nothing. The only other thing on the roof with him was her.

“Don’t fucking say that.”

The tone in his voice and the way he stepped over to her, close enough to feel the heat of his body, made her mouth run dry. She had her back against the ledge and his hands were on either side of her. It was like the neurons that told her heart to beat normally short circuited and it went into a mismatched overdrive inside her chest.

His face was blank, but his eyes weren’t. They were looking at her, and there was something raw behind them that she couldn’t place. It was unfamiliar, something she’d never seen in anyone’s eyes ever. She finally spoke so quietly for if a car were to zoom by, it would be lost in the roar of the engine.

“Eli…You’re scaring me.”

The lull hush of her voice swam through his ears and his frame seemed to recoil to something apologetic. The almost trance like state he was in was gone. It was just him and her. His eyes darted back and forth between his arms’ location and returned to her face that was inches away from his. His arms dropped, one at his side and the other running down over his mouth.

“I-I need to go,” he muttered, matching the amplitude of a few seconds prior, however; there was something in his voice that was not in hers. Shame.

“I’m sorry, Holland.”

--------------------

Holland sat across from Lily who was rambling about different things, the food, her voices, her book, and Holland would nod every so often to give the impression that she was devoted to the conversation. But the entire time she was looking at Eli who was eating alone across the dining room. He usually sat with them, they were even at the table she had first met him at. It was a thing with them.

“So do you know why he’s not sitting over here? Holland? Holland!”

“What?”

“Jesus, I’m gonna start calling you the stalker.”

“You call him a stalker?”

“He knows I’m joking.”

“I…I don’t know then.”

Lily pointed her fork in the direction of Holland’s face, her eyes squinted.

“You’re such a bad liar. How did you never get busted for as long as you did?”

She gave the fork wielder a look as she tossed away her trash. Her eyes made their way over her shoulder before wondering what would happen if she went over there. But she didn’t like leaving that to the imagination. She slid into the chair across from him and stared at the features on his face, particularly his scar. It was faded, so it was old. It stretched its way from his crystallized eye almost to his lips. She looked at those for longer than she thought she had.

“What do you want?”

“I want to talk to you. We’re friends. And friends do this weird thing called talking. Lily and I do it all the time. We should try it.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

Every imaginary sign that he was holding up had a bold ‘Fuck off’ across it with flashing lights. It was in his posture, his tone, his lack of eye contact, everything.

You cornered me and you’re the one who doesn’t want to talk?

She scoffed. She didn’t try to hide it. She was too busy trying to keep herself occupied from her own thoughts to sit pretty. She got up and scraped the chair along the tile before manhandling it against the table.

"Fine."

---------------------

It had been a week of silence. Eli had avoided her presence like the plague and Jesse was somewhere that wasn’t here. He said he would be back soon but he took the word soon as seriously as cable companies do. She was just used to it with him. She shouldn’t have been, but she was.

Her fingers punched in his number and there was nothing but his voicemail on the other end. A reminder and an ‘I miss you’ was all that she left. What else was there to say?

There was ‘I love you.’

But she didn’t feel like saying that. Sure, she meant it when they were in the hallway. Because he was around, and she could feel it. He made her feel it. But every time he left it was smothered by more silence. The deafening kind that makes you want to scream or bang pots and pans together just so you can stop hearing your pulse beat in your ears.

It was storming outside, hard. Hail was falling and the wind was trying to strip the leaves off of every tree while the rain poured in sheets. Lights flickered above her head as she sat on a couch, listening to the now issued tornado touchdown twenty miles away on the television. The nurses and orderlies came out and corralled all the patients into a safe area, paying more attention to the ones who needed it.

They told them to sit against the concrete wall until instructed otherwise and the only spot left was the one next to Eli.

Great.

She slid down the wall next to him but he was stoic.

“What, no ‘Get away from me?’”

His eyes moved in her direction but nothing else did. She sighed softly, resting her head against the white painted concrete. Her legs were crossed and her hands rested in her lap.

“I take bigger risks with him, if that’s not obvious. He just brings out that kind of side of me. But I’m still nice. I’m just different around you, not to mention you're meeting me in a really climactic time in my life. Adventure is fun, sure, but I can relax with you. Who I am, no matter who I’m with, is still the same. Both of those people are still me. Or the shell of what I used to be. I don't really know me, so maybe that's why you feel like you don't either.”

“You can’t relax with tall guy?”

“Holy shit, it speaks.”

The corner of his mouth elevated and she thought she even heard a chuckle out of him.

“It’s Jesse, by the way.”

“I like tall guy.”

“Well it’s not the most original but that’s fair. And no I can’t, not really. He always wants to do something or go somewhere, hence the drugs. I just wanted to keep up so I could be with him. Kinda backfired, didn’t it?”

This time, he laughed. And he looked at her, with those same eyes that had looked at her that night he stood in the doorway. All was okay, for a brief moment. The silence was filled with static.

They sat in between the concrete walls for at least two hours, not taking anything less than precautionary measures. She yawned and leaned over to rest her head on his shoulder. Her ombre toned hair fell into her face and he gently tucked it behind her ear, his fingertips lingering at her jaw for a blip of time. She looked up at him, placed a kiss on his cheek and nuzzled back into his shoulder, which was surprisingly comfortable. Or perhaps she was just that tired.

Tired of the silence.

But now, she could finally get some sleep.

Chapter 1-5: Tumbling Down

"Holland, you have a visitor." 

The voice registered in her head but her eyes remained locked on the view of the outdoors between the bars on the window. 

He was here.

For the first time since the party, Jesse had noticed she was gone. He'd even gone so far as to call her mom and find out where she was so he could come see her. That meant something right?

So why did she want to vomit at the thought of seeing him?

You're fine, Holland. Everything is gonna be fine. You love him.

Her legs felt like someone had poured  concrete into them as she stepped into the visitation area. And there he stood in all of his six foot, brunette, freckled glory. He smiled and shouted her name, flooding the room with his voice. He squeezed her but she didn't hug back. Her heart raced inside her chest but it was a different kind of pattern. 

"Are you not wearing any makeup? Who knew my girl was a natural beauty, eh?" 

Her eyes narrowed behind him as he walked over and sat down. She brushed her finger against her eyelashes, a black streak revealing the mascara she had the energy to put on that morning.

Before she was at the table Jesse was up again, twiddling his thumbs, sort of bouncing in place.

"Y-You wanna eat? Can guests eat here? They got good food?"

Her voice was low, an irritated whisper. 

"Ar- Jesse, are you high right now?" 

"Shhh, nah babe. Just mad hungry."

"No. You can't eat here, not unless you bring something and they check it."

"So uptight here huh? That's alright. We can sit. How are you? I missed you..."

How am I? You're really doing this?

Maybe he was always like this and she just never noticed because she was high too. She was nervous to be around him because she knew the kind of power he possessed over her. Her mind drifted to the therapy session.

"Are you sure you're not high? Jesse, please..."

"No, I'm not. I promise. Did you not miss me?"

Didn't she?

She let out a small sigh before nodding. She wanted to convince herself that she hadn't even thought about him since she got here, but she wasn't that good of a liar. There was a weakness that came with him. Maybe it was the whole 'first love' thing. But it was strong and it just wouldn't seem to budge.

"I did miss you. Why did you wait so long to see me? I've been here for almost three months."

"I didn't know what happened to you, babe. It finally dawned on me to get a hold of your mom. You know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box..."

Ugh. His laugh. And his eyes. And his smile...

--------------------

They had been playing catch-up for a while. He would laugh and she would smile.

"Eli, would you stop staring at them? Your stalker status has gone from yellow to orange."

"Shut up, Lily. I'm not a stalker. I just don't like that guy. I get a bad vibe from him." 

"You get a bad vibe from any male that comes in a five foot radius of her."

He turned around and gave Lily a look before walking off. In the back of his mind, he sort of knew that she was right. He was noticing her more, thinking about her more. And he knew that it was risky. He didn't want to hurt Holland. He didn't want to ever hurt Rachel either. He just wanted her to stay.

"If that guy hurts her Lily I swear--"

"You'll what? What are you gonna do? It's obvious she has history with that guy, Eli.  Look at her, she loves him. He seems like the douchebag poster child to me but I don't like to judge books based on covers." 

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. The way she fell against his chest on the roof, the way she cried, that wasn't just the tears from a near-death experience. She wasn't just afraid from almost falling. No one looks that beautiful while crying, but she did. In that moment, she needed him. 

"Eli, look." 

"And my stalker stat--"

His voice ceased when he turned around. They were getting up, and sneaking out of the visitation room. No one who was supposed to notice did. Holland had a gleam in her eye as she crept hand-in-hand through the doorway. 

What the hell is she doing?

--------------------

 The last time Jesse Rothman had kissed her was the night her entire life stopped dead in its tracks, had a tantrum, and violently shook until its entire composition was dismantled in fragments. 

And now it was three seconds ago. 

She wanted to believe that it was because it had been so long or that because she missed him, but she tasted something in his kiss. It wasn't alcohol and he was hungry so it couldn't be something he'd eaten. Her mind just now started to question the situation but it was halted when a crimson drop fell from his nose. 

"Oh my god, you're bleeding. Jesse...You told me you weren't high!"

Her voice cracked as she pushed him away from her.

"Babe, keep it down. I'm not high. I promised. I wouldn't lie to you. It's just something that happens...you know." 

She read his eyes, the only thing she could really trust in a person, and he was telling the truth. She knew nosebleeds were a side effect of regular cocaine use. She'd had plenty of them herself. 

He stepped closer to her, regaining the lack of distance that was between them. His hand was around her waist and hers rested on his shoulder.

"You're off this crap. I wanna be clean for you, Holland. I'm trying to stop." 

Tears started to fall from her eyes and for the first time in not just three months, but probably in years, they were happy. 

"You what? Jesse, really? Are you serious, oh my god! That's amazing! You should get help though. It's hell to go through and I'm in rehab."

"I'd go through a million hells for you. I love you." 

She smiled before pressing her lips to his.

"I love you too." 

--------------------

"Holland. There you are. You know you're not supposed to leave visitation without telling someone."

"I'm sorry, I just wasn't feeling well at all. I was getting a headache. I'm feeling much better now though. It wont happen again, I promise."

The nurse nodded. Holland hadn't given anyone any trouble. She had followed all the rules here. She had always followed the rules everywhere. But with Jesse she seemed to bend them, there was something about the commotion that came with him. That led to a cocaine addiction but he said was going to get clean for her. This time would be different.

She bit her lip as she stared out the window again, trying to shadow the smile that was pasted on her face.

She heard a knock at her door and turned around to be greeted by Eli. 

"Where've you been?" 

"Nowhere. Just around." 

"You seem chipper."

"...And you do not. Eli, I don't mean to be a dick but I've actually had a really good day. I really need this right now so if something is wrong can it please just wait for now? Can we talk about it later?" 

He raised an eyebrow at her. Nothing was wrong, or he that's what he would let on, he just wanted to talk. Like friends do. Cause that's what she was. A friend. Nothing more. 

Did I walk into the wrong room? Are there two Hollands in this hospital?

"Uh. Nothing's wrong but sure. I'll talk to you later..."

He reversed his steps back to the door and stopped before leaving.

"And for the record, just because you say 'don't mean to be a dick' doesn't mean that you're not being one. That's like saying 'no offense' before telling me I have ugly teeth and bad style."

Her mouth opened slightly but he was gone before anything could come out of it. Maybe she should feel bad, but she didn't. She wanted to enjoy the good say she had, that wasn't a crime. They were few and far between and she was going to hold onto this one.