Chapter 1-12: Cold in the Kingdom

Author's note: This chapter contains triggering material in the middle section. It regards to sexual assault so please read with discretion. If you have suffered from sexual abuse or assault, just know, it is not and never was your fault. Please do not suffer in silence. Please talk to someone. Talk to me, even. I am here for you, and I love you.

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Holland stood across from her father, a nervous expression in her eyes as she twiddled her thumbs in circles. 

"Holland, what is it?"

"Daddy...there's a boy and I think I might be in love with him. His name is Eli. The thing is..he's required to be here for a really long time. I want to go home but I also think I want to be with him and--" 

"Wait. You met this boy here, in the hospital?"

"Y-yes...but Dad, he's so misunderstood. He's a lot better now, just like me."

She knew she shouldn't be comparing herself to him. She hadn't murdered someone in a psychotic break. But she wanted this plan to work. She just wanted her life to go back to normal, except now she wanted Eli too.

"And I was wondering, if there was a god out there that could help him. Peitho or someone like that to you know...make his mandatory stay not so mandatory."

"Holland, I can't believe you're asking something as preposterous as this. I cannot condone this relationship. You met him in a psychiatric hospital. You are both here for a reason and finding love is not one of those reasons."

She let out a sigh of frustration. She knew how ridiculous her request sounded but she had to try.

"Dad, love never plans itself. It just happens. You of all people should know that! You're the one that told me to hold on to whatever it was that was keeping me sober. Well guess what, that's Eli.

I've never asked you for anything. For years you shut me out, made me feel like I was never good enough to love. He's not perfect Dad but neither are you. You've caused so much carnage and chaos so you have no right to stand here and judge anyone. Just think about it. Please."

Ares started to speak but Holland turned in a huff and walked away. Maybe she got through to him, but he was the god of war, so he was nothing if not stubborn.

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He caught her in the stairwell. He had the same sinister look in his glossed over eyes. His stubble was overgrown and his hands were rough as they gripped her arms. She stood with her back against the concrete wall. 

"Holland, where have you been? I've missed my favorite patient." 

She stammered, her voice small and quiet, struggling to stay calm, "I haven't been needing therapy..."

"But we were having fun. Making progress. Were we not getting somewhere? Bonding, even?" he said as he grazed his finger down her arm.

She trembled underneath his touch. He inched his face towards her, his weight looming against hers. He lowered his lips to her cheek.

"P-please don't. I don't want this."

He stopped. And she let out of breath, hoping it was over with that. She tried pushing his arm out of the way to escape, but it was as solid as the concrete corner she was backed in to.

"Holland, you're mentally unstable. You don't know what you want."

She felt a lump rise and fall in her throat. She was better, even despite Jesse. Even if she was emotionally unstable, she was stable enough to say no. She tried shoving him, placing both hands on his chest as his lips met the skin of her neck. Her eyelashes became damp with tears as a shiver with barbs and glass made its way down her spine.

"Get off of me!" She punched at his chest as he ran his hands all over her body, pulling her close to him when she was dying to get away. "Somebody help me!" she screamed briefly before he covered her mouth, his other hand dipping underneath the waistband of her pants. 

The door to the stairwell flew open with a fury as Eli stood there, eyes widened and enraged. He charged the man in front of her, their bodies colliding with one another and plummeting down the stairs.

I can't be here. I have to go.

Holland ran out the door, not glancing back for Eli or what he was doing to her former therapist. She didn't know where to go. Should she tell someone? Would anyone believe her? Would they blame it on her?

Holland tried to force those thoughts out of her head as she found herself at the nurses station, heaving and crying to a security guard.

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She didn't know why she stayed.

Okay. Yes she did. Because she hadn't heard what she wanted to hear from her dad. The doctor she was supposed to trust with her most inner thoughts and confessions turned out to be a sick fuck that belonged in the psych ward, but not to help people. It seemed like this place just got better and better.

It was on the news. He left in handcuffs. Her parents called and she said she was willing to stay. She was still scared to be out there on her own. But now she was scared to be here too. She had nowhere to run and everyone to avoid. But not everyone wanted to avoid her.

She was sitting in room, staring aimlessly at the soap opera that was on TV. It seemed like that life was a documentary on how paper was made compared to hers recently. And it only got even more turned upside down as she saw Jesse come through the doors, a bouquet of roses in his hand.

"Hol! Babe!" He preened as he sat the flowers down and threw his arms around her. "God, I saw the news. What a sick bastard. I'm here for you Babe, whatever you need." 

Holland was taken not only by the bear hug, but the surprise. She didn't have time to react before the cigarette smell on his jacket was suffocating her.

Eli had been giving her space, but he knew that she should talk about it. He knew that she would talk to him when she was ready. Right? Wrong.

Or so it seemed as he came to console her. It'd be the first time they'd spoken since that day a few weeks ago. But he saw Jesse and his arms around her and his vision went blurry. His chest tightened, from pain or rage he wasn't sure. They had always felt so similar to him.

His feet turned him around and he seemed to float down the halls, back to the concrete stairwell. He sat on the bottom step of a flight and he stared at the small blood stain that got left behind. All the emotional, and now physical blood he'd spilled for her just to go back to the one that had caused her so much pain. Why was he always risking himself to save her? Maybe she should save herself. 

Or save him.

Chapter 1-11: My Chest

The drops of sunlight that were washing over Holland's cheeks began to dissipate as the dark clouds rolled in above her. She parted her lips just enough to let a soft sigh escape them. Lily was immersed in a book club meeting and Eli was in therapy. She knew that they'd come and find her as soon as they were done, especially Eli, but she couldn't help the harrowing feeling that she was utterly alone. 

"Holland, you know it's Thursday right? You have your sessions on Thursdays. You never miss them, what's the matter?"

"Oh, hi Gloria. I don't want to go today." 

"Now Holland..."

"Look," she snapped, the older woman surprised, "I've been a perfect little puppet since I've been here. I've taken all my meds, choked down the mystery meat, you haven't had any trouble with me. So is it so bad that I don't want to go to therapy?"

"Okay Holland. What changed, dear?" 

She debated between the truth and brushing it off, the options bouncing back and forth inside her brain.

"Nothing. I just don't wanna go. I don't need therapy. Not from him."

The nurse nodded slowly before returning to whatever she was doing prior. Eli appeared through the door to the courtyard, finding a space next to Holland in the grass. His skin was touching hers and he went to cup her hand, but she pulled away like he had electricity in his fingertips. 

"What're you doing?" 

He looked confused, "Well I was trying to hold your hand? Am I not supposed to do that?"

Her initial response was no, he wasn't allowed to do that. Because she wasn't his, and these weren't his hands to hold. 

"I don't know what you want from me. What do you think we are?" 

Eli cocked an eyebrow, "What do I think we are? Like that we're together or something? Because I don't. I'm fucked up, not stupid. God forbid I show you affection when you don't instigate it first. I don't know what your deal is lately." 

She focused on his lips when he talked, how they were slightly chapped and the way they shaped the words he spoke. There was a pit in her chest that she felt her heart sinking into. Like her heart was sighing. Looking at him made her want him but made her want to run far away from him at the same time. 

"Say something...Holland."

Her eyes flicked up to his, shaded underneath her thick eyelashes that were blond at the ends. 

"I don't know what I want. I like you, that's obvious. I just don't want to misconstrue the wrong idea. And I've been jumpy ever since that session, Eli. I'm sorry I jerked away." 

"You don't have to be sorry. He freaked you out, I get it." 

She laid back in the grass, her head hitting the ground just a little too hard. Her hands met blades of grass and she started plucking them from the earth. Eli looked over his shoulder at her, then followed suit beside her. Their arms were against one another and as she was looking at the sky, he was looking at her. 

She turned her head, "What?" 

"Nothing," he smiled, sprinkling blades of grass onto her shirt.

She chuckled, "Hey," and threw the ones she had collected at him.

There was a look they shared, soft and innocent and warm. He nudged her hand with his and this time she interlocked their fingers, squeezing them gently. His blue eyes sparkled in a way she'd never seen, or at least never noticed. They had streaks of grey and white in them, like she was looking into crystal. She wondered what was so different about them this time, for she had seen them over a hundred. Perhaps it was the rays from the reappearing sun illuminating his face that brought his eyes vividly to life. Or something else entirely.

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Holland, Eli, and Lily were sitting around their usual table with a deck of cards while other patients yelled UNO, played checkers, and even flipped a Monopoly board over because they were losing. They all looked at each other with wide eyes and went back to their epic game of Go Fish.

"Got any dates?" Lily asked Eli.

"...You mean eights?" 

"Nope. Dates," she grinned looking back and forth between the two.

"Fuck off, Lily," Eli chided. 

"Fine. Dance around your feelings. I'm loving the angst and sexual tension between you two anyways. Who needs television when I have my very own soap opera right in front of me?" 

Holland rolled her eyes, "are you gonna play or are are you just gonna sit there and talk about business that clearly is not yours." 

Lily paused, "Wooow," she said slowly, rearranging her cars in her hand,"ya'll are snappy today. Sexually frustrated?" 

"I swear to God, Lily. Shut up," Eli groaned. 

"Fine. Just messing with you guys, Jesus. Got any 2's, fun sucker?"

He gritted his teeth, "Go fish."

"On a note with less attitude, hopefully," Lily began, "what are your guys' plans for when you get out of here, hmm?"  

They both looked surprised at her question, "I've never really thought about it honestly. It seems like I'm never really gonna leave. I'm stuck here for," he paused, writing imaginary numbers in the air with his finger,"eight more years, so might as well be forever. How do you plan eight years into the future?" 

Holland frowned. She felt guilty that she could just walk out at any time and resume her life. But her life outside of the hospital was starting to feel like a different reality. Everything was waiting for her out there. She could go back to school, get a job, meet someone new...but none of that sounded as good as it once did. At least in here she knew she was safe from another relapse, safe from Jesse, and safe with Eli.

Eli looked at the clock on the wall and sighed, "Shit guys, gotta go. Group therapy time. Woo," he said dryly, spinning his finger in the air, "catch up with you later." 

"So...what about you, Holland?" 

"Oh..uh, I don't know. I mean me leaving is pretty much voluntary, but that doesn't mean I've made plans." 

"Do you think once you got out that you and Eli would still be thing?" 

She raised her eyebrow, "Who said we were a thing?" 

"Oh, come on. I'm not that oblivious. It's me you're talking to Holland, I'm like you're best friend. You can't tell me you haven't thought about what would happen if you went home and Eli was still here." 

Holland shrugged her shoulders, her arms wrapping around herself," I dunno, Lily. You heard him. Eight years he's gonna be in here. What am I supposed to do, come during visiting hours and bring candles so we can have a date? And what if we did this for a couple years? Am I supposed to just walk in here with a wedding dress and some rings and get married like? It's just...you're right, I've thought about it. That doesn't mean I get what I want."

"Which is?" 

"To give him and I a chance. We met in a situation that was fucked from the start, Lily. 

We're cursed." 

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Holland made her way over to Eli who was sitting on top of the picnic table. She sat next to him and he offered her the cigarette he had been taking a drag from. She waved her hand at it, shooing it away.

"No thanks, trying to cut back."

He raised an eyebrow because he had only ever seen her smoke two cigarettes since they'd met.

"Okay...," he elongated, "what's up?"

"Why do you think something's up?"

"You're being weird. So I can only assume."

"No I'm not...but I do want to talk to you about something."

"Alright, shoot."

She scooted back on the tabletop, crossing her legs.

"Eli, do you believe in gods?"

He looked over his shoulder, his face confused.

"Uh, like Buddha and stuff?"

"Yeah, but like more...Greek."

"So Zeus and Hades and all them?"

"Exactly," she preened, "What about Ares? Do you know who that is?"

His face remained puzzled as he slid back next to her, snuffing out his cigarette on the worn wooden table, "If my seventh grade English class doesn't fail me, yeah, I think so. God of War, right?"



"That's the one," she said. "I know this is going to sound insane, but I need you to believe me. I think my dad could help you get out of here before your eight years are up."

"Wait, first we were talking about Greek Mythology then you switch the subject to your dad. I'm even more confused than I was before."

She took a deep breath. She knew that he was going to think she was crazy. But maybe he wanted to give them a chance as much as she did, and that would persuade him to at least hear her out.

"Ares...he's my dad."

"I didn't think delusions were a symptom of depression."

"Eli...I'm serious. I know how absurd it sounds but it's the truth. I was supposed to be a demigod and I didn't turn out that way. That's why he practically disowned me."

He sat there for a while. And she was pleading for him to say something, but she wasn't sure she wanted to hear it. What if he just laughed in her face?

"I mean...wow. That's really hard to wrap your mind around. I might need a bit to accept that."

Holland tucked her bottom lip in behind her teeth.

Great. Now he thinks I'm some kind of freak.

"But," he added,"If you aren't totally cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, how in the hell could the god of war help me?"