1-13: Let Me Down Slowly

Author's note: This chapter contains possibly triggering material on the topic of suicide. Please read with discretion. I love you and whatever you may be going through, please do not go it alone. There are people who will listen, who will care. The world deserves to have you in it. <3

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Holland saw nurses running down the hallway. That was nothing new, but in the pit of her stomach, something dark was impending. Something was wrong.

She looked at Jesse, her face turning to one of anger and urgency. 

"Get out." 

"What? Holland, what are you talking about," he said, reaching for her hand.

"Don't touch me! Get out Jesse. I never want to see you again in my fucking life."

And with that Holland shoved the bouquet of roses off the table, letting them fall to the floor. She followed in the direction of the nurses. She couldn't shake the dreading feeling that had been looming and becoming more ever present. 

"Patient on the roof. I repeat, we have a patient on the roof of the hospital," a security guard said over his walkie as he rushed past her.

Her stomach turned. There was only one other person who went on that roof.

She ran as fast as her feet could carry her. The stairwell was blocked off by security guards. She was out of breath by the time she reached them. 

"Please, you have to let me up there!" 

"Miss, this is an emergency, please go back to your room."

"No!" she interjected, "Look, you don't understand. I need to save him! I'm the only one who can talk him down." 

"Ma'am, I have to insist." 

"Let me up there you big fucking idiot! His blood is on your hands if you don't," Holland exhaled, frustrated and emotional. It took every fiber of her being not to place her hands on him to shove him out the way. This couldn't be happening. She was so close to getting him out, being with him in a place that wasn't a complete shit show.

"I can't let you up there." 

Holland scowled, looking behind her over at a fire alarm. She pulled it down, the alarm sounding, piercing everyone's ears.

"Oh no. You're security. You have to get everyone out. Better go." 

The man gave her a grimace as a few of the other guards dispersed and he was left being the only thing that remained between her and that roof.

"You think you can save him?"

"Yes.  He's rescued me so many times. Let me return the favor. Please." 

"Go. But I never saw you go up there."

----------

Her heart pounded in her chest as she ran up the stairs. The anticipation of what was up there, and her lack of cardio, made her out of breath as she got to the top. The door was open and she could see him standing there playing with the precipice of death. 

"Eli."

He looked over his shoulder at her. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy. 

"Eli...What are you doing up here?"

"I have nothing. I could jump and no one would miss me, you know."

"Elijah, that's not true." 

He looked at her again. She's never called him that.

"I'd miss you." 

"No you wouldn't. Jesse would make you forget all about me. Did you ever really see me in the first place?"

Her heart sank, guilt rising in her throat.

"Eli, he just showed up here. It's not like that, I swear," she pleaded, stepping closer to him. "Jesse isn't who I want. You are."

He looked down at her now that she was by his side. The wind was chilly and blew her hair into her teary eyes before she tucked it behind her ears.

"Is that right? Or are you just saying that to talk me down so you don't feel responsible?"

Her eyes were big and begging, tears slipping from them without inhibition.

"That's right. Eli...I-I'm in love with you. And I need you here with me."

"You only love me because I keep saving you," he said straight faced, looking out toward the skyline.

"No you don't. I save me.

But you're there to help pull me out. And now I'm here to do the same for you. I need you to come down." 

His feet braced the edge of the roof, the tips of his bare toes feeling the nip of the wind. He couldn't look down. But all he had to do was fall. And he was good at falling. He'd fallen for Holland so goddamn easy.

"Why? Why do you need me to come down?"

Okay. Speech time.

"Because you might think you're a monster but you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. Because who else am I gonna lay in the grass with and run to when I'm scared? Eli, I'm trying to get my father who is a Greek fucking god to get you out of here so we can have a real shot at this. So we can give this a fighting chance in a place that is slightly less fucked up than this prison.

I need you to come down because...I need you."

He slowly shifted around to face her.

"So you love me, huh?"

She nodded, tears still in her eyes. He stepped down from the ledge and she pulled him into an embrace, holding him tight and clutching onto this moment. Because in this moment, he was safe. They were safe.

----------

Holland crossed her legs in the chair she was sitting in, combing her fingers through her hair. She had been thinking a lot. She'd been conflicted.

Of course she was happy that Eli had come down, but that only was going to make it harder on him to leave. Harder for whoever her father entrusted to wipe memories or persuade or do whatever they would do. That is, if he'd actually done that. So far he hadn't.

Maybe he should be here. He was going to jump off a roof because he simply saw Holland with Jesse. But she tried to cut him some slack. No mental illness is easy to deal with, she knew that first hand.

Eli had been in extensive therapy for weeks now, leaving Holland to reach out to others. She'd been talking to her mom a lot. Her mother wanted her to come home.

"Speak of the Devil," Holland said to herself as she picked up the phone that she was allowed to have now. "I was just thinking about you." 

"Aww, that's sweet Hol. Have you thought any more about coming home? I sure do miss you, baby." 

"I don't know Mom. I...I'm just lost. I shouldn't be bitter about what happened but I am and I don't know how to feel about how I'm feeling."

"I know what it's like to want something and feel like the world is against you. But you can't put your own life, and your own well being on hold, love."

"Has Dad said anything about what I asked him?" She said into the phone as Eli walked around the corner with a puzzled look on his face.

"Hold on Mom." 

She looked at him from her chair, "What is it?"

He stuttered, "I-I tried signing in for therapy and the nurse said they've never seen me before. And that I'm not in the system. What the hell is going on?" 

Holland's eyes widened when she connected the dots.

"Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back."

Chapter 1-12: Cold in the Kingdom

Author's note: This chapter contains triggering material in the middle section. It regards to sexual assault so please read with discretion. If you have suffered from sexual abuse or assault, just know, it is not and never was your fault. Please do not suffer in silence. Please talk to someone. Talk to me, even. I am here for you, and I love you.

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Holland stood across from her father, a nervous expression in her eyes as she twiddled her thumbs in circles. 

"Holland, what is it?"

"Daddy...there's a boy and I think I might be in love with him. His name is Eli. The thing is..he's required to be here for a really long time. I want to go home but I also think I want to be with him and--" 

"Wait. You met this boy here, in the hospital?"

"Y-yes...but Dad, he's so misunderstood. He's a lot better now, just like me."

She knew she shouldn't be comparing herself to him. She hadn't murdered someone in a psychotic break. But she wanted this plan to work. She just wanted her life to go back to normal, except now she wanted Eli too.

"And I was wondering, if there was a god out there that could help him. Peitho or someone like that to you know...make his mandatory stay not so mandatory."

"Holland, I can't believe you're asking something as preposterous as this. I cannot condone this relationship. You met him in a psychiatric hospital. You are both here for a reason and finding love is not one of those reasons."

She let out a sigh of frustration. She knew how ridiculous her request sounded but she had to try.

"Dad, love never plans itself. It just happens. You of all people should know that! You're the one that told me to hold on to whatever it was that was keeping me sober. Well guess what, that's Eli.

I've never asked you for anything. For years you shut me out, made me feel like I was never good enough to love. He's not perfect Dad but neither are you. You've caused so much carnage and chaos so you have no right to stand here and judge anyone. Just think about it. Please."

Ares started to speak but Holland turned in a huff and walked away. Maybe she got through to him, but he was the god of war, so he was nothing if not stubborn.

----------

He caught her in the stairwell. He had the same sinister look in his glossed over eyes. His stubble was overgrown and his hands were rough as they gripped her arms. She stood with her back against the concrete wall. 

"Holland, where have you been? I've missed my favorite patient." 

She stammered, her voice small and quiet, struggling to stay calm, "I haven't been needing therapy..."

"But we were having fun. Making progress. Were we not getting somewhere? Bonding, even?" he said as he grazed his finger down her arm.

She trembled underneath his touch. He inched his face towards her, his weight looming against hers. He lowered his lips to her cheek.

"P-please don't. I don't want this."

He stopped. And she let out of breath, hoping it was over with that. She tried pushing his arm out of the way to escape, but it was as solid as the concrete corner she was backed in to.

"Holland, you're mentally unstable. You don't know what you want."

She felt a lump rise and fall in her throat. She was better, even despite Jesse. Even if she was emotionally unstable, she was stable enough to say no. She tried shoving him, placing both hands on his chest as his lips met the skin of her neck. Her eyelashes became damp with tears as a shiver with barbs and glass made its way down her spine.

"Get off of me!" She punched at his chest as he ran his hands all over her body, pulling her close to him when she was dying to get away. "Somebody help me!" she screamed briefly before he covered her mouth, his other hand dipping underneath the waistband of her pants. 

The door to the stairwell flew open with a fury as Eli stood there, eyes widened and enraged. He charged the man in front of her, their bodies colliding with one another and plummeting down the stairs.

I can't be here. I have to go.

Holland ran out the door, not glancing back for Eli or what he was doing to her former therapist. She didn't know where to go. Should she tell someone? Would anyone believe her? Would they blame it on her?

Holland tried to force those thoughts out of her head as she found herself at the nurses station, heaving and crying to a security guard.

-----------

She didn't know why she stayed.

Okay. Yes she did. Because she hadn't heard what she wanted to hear from her dad. The doctor she was supposed to trust with her most inner thoughts and confessions turned out to be a sick fuck that belonged in the psych ward, but not to help people. It seemed like this place just got better and better.

It was on the news. He left in handcuffs. Her parents called and she said she was willing to stay. She was still scared to be out there on her own. But now she was scared to be here too. She had nowhere to run and everyone to avoid. But not everyone wanted to avoid her.

She was sitting in room, staring aimlessly at the soap opera that was on TV. It seemed like that life was a documentary on how paper was made compared to hers recently. And it only got even more turned upside down as she saw Jesse come through the doors, a bouquet of roses in his hand.

"Hol! Babe!" He preened as he sat the flowers down and threw his arms around her. "God, I saw the news. What a sick bastard. I'm here for you Babe, whatever you need." 

Holland was taken not only by the bear hug, but the surprise. She didn't have time to react before the cigarette smell on his jacket was suffocating her.

Eli had been giving her space, but he knew that she should talk about it. He knew that she would talk to him when she was ready. Right? Wrong.

Or so it seemed as he came to console her. It'd be the first time they'd spoken since that day a few weeks ago. But he saw Jesse and his arms around her and his vision went blurry. His chest tightened, from pain or rage he wasn't sure. They had always felt so similar to him.

His feet turned him around and he seemed to float down the halls, back to the concrete stairwell. He sat on the bottom step of a flight and he stared at the small blood stain that got left behind. All the emotional, and now physical blood he'd spilled for her just to go back to the one that had caused her so much pain. Why was he always risking himself to save her? Maybe she should save herself. 

Or save him.

Chapter 1-11: My Chest

The drops of sunlight that were washing over Holland's cheeks began to dissipate as the dark clouds rolled in above her. She parted her lips just enough to let a soft sigh escape them. Lily was immersed in a book club meeting and Eli was in therapy. She knew that they'd come and find her as soon as they were done, especially Eli, but she couldn't help the harrowing feeling that she was utterly alone. 

"Holland, you know it's Thursday right? You have your sessions on Thursdays. You never miss them, what's the matter?"

"Oh, hi Gloria. I don't want to go today." 

"Now Holland..."

"Look," she snapped, the older woman surprised, "I've been a perfect little puppet since I've been here. I've taken all my meds, choked down the mystery meat, you haven't had any trouble with me. So is it so bad that I don't want to go to therapy?"

"Okay Holland. What changed, dear?" 

She debated between the truth and brushing it off, the options bouncing back and forth inside her brain.

"Nothing. I just don't wanna go. I don't need therapy. Not from him."

The nurse nodded slowly before returning to whatever she was doing prior. Eli appeared through the door to the courtyard, finding a space next to Holland in the grass. His skin was touching hers and he went to cup her hand, but she pulled away like he had electricity in his fingertips. 

"What're you doing?" 

He looked confused, "Well I was trying to hold your hand? Am I not supposed to do that?"

Her initial response was no, he wasn't allowed to do that. Because she wasn't his, and these weren't his hands to hold. 

"I don't know what you want from me. What do you think we are?" 

Eli cocked an eyebrow, "What do I think we are? Like that we're together or something? Because I don't. I'm fucked up, not stupid. God forbid I show you affection when you don't instigate it first. I don't know what your deal is lately." 

She focused on his lips when he talked, how they were slightly chapped and the way they shaped the words he spoke. There was a pit in her chest that she felt her heart sinking into. Like her heart was sighing. Looking at him made her want him but made her want to run far away from him at the same time. 

"Say something...Holland."

Her eyes flicked up to his, shaded underneath her thick eyelashes that were blond at the ends. 

"I don't know what I want. I like you, that's obvious. I just don't want to misconstrue the wrong idea. And I've been jumpy ever since that session, Eli. I'm sorry I jerked away." 

"You don't have to be sorry. He freaked you out, I get it." 

She laid back in the grass, her head hitting the ground just a little too hard. Her hands met blades of grass and she started plucking them from the earth. Eli looked over his shoulder at her, then followed suit beside her. Their arms were against one another and as she was looking at the sky, he was looking at her. 

She turned her head, "What?" 

"Nothing," he smiled, sprinkling blades of grass onto her shirt.

She chuckled, "Hey," and threw the ones she had collected at him.

There was a look they shared, soft and innocent and warm. He nudged her hand with his and this time she interlocked their fingers, squeezing them gently. His blue eyes sparkled in a way she'd never seen, or at least never noticed. They had streaks of grey and white in them, like she was looking into crystal. She wondered what was so different about them this time, for she had seen them over a hundred. Perhaps it was the rays from the reappearing sun illuminating his face that brought his eyes vividly to life. Or something else entirely.

-------------------- 

Holland, Eli, and Lily were sitting around their usual table with a deck of cards while other patients yelled UNO, played checkers, and even flipped a Monopoly board over because they were losing. They all looked at each other with wide eyes and went back to their epic game of Go Fish.

"Got any dates?" Lily asked Eli.

"...You mean eights?" 

"Nope. Dates," she grinned looking back and forth between the two.

"Fuck off, Lily," Eli chided. 

"Fine. Dance around your feelings. I'm loving the angst and sexual tension between you two anyways. Who needs television when I have my very own soap opera right in front of me?" 

Holland rolled her eyes, "are you gonna play or are are you just gonna sit there and talk about business that clearly is not yours." 

Lily paused, "Wooow," she said slowly, rearranging her cars in her hand,"ya'll are snappy today. Sexually frustrated?" 

"I swear to God, Lily. Shut up," Eli groaned. 

"Fine. Just messing with you guys, Jesus. Got any 2's, fun sucker?"

He gritted his teeth, "Go fish."

"On a note with less attitude, hopefully," Lily began, "what are your guys' plans for when you get out of here, hmm?"  

They both looked surprised at her question, "I've never really thought about it honestly. It seems like I'm never really gonna leave. I'm stuck here for," he paused, writing imaginary numbers in the air with his finger,"eight more years, so might as well be forever. How do you plan eight years into the future?" 

Holland frowned. She felt guilty that she could just walk out at any time and resume her life. But her life outside of the hospital was starting to feel like a different reality. Everything was waiting for her out there. She could go back to school, get a job, meet someone new...but none of that sounded as good as it once did. At least in here she knew she was safe from another relapse, safe from Jesse, and safe with Eli.

Eli looked at the clock on the wall and sighed, "Shit guys, gotta go. Group therapy time. Woo," he said dryly, spinning his finger in the air, "catch up with you later." 

"So...what about you, Holland?" 

"Oh..uh, I don't know. I mean me leaving is pretty much voluntary, but that doesn't mean I've made plans." 

"Do you think once you got out that you and Eli would still be thing?" 

She raised her eyebrow, "Who said we were a thing?" 

"Oh, come on. I'm not that oblivious. It's me you're talking to Holland, I'm like you're best friend. You can't tell me you haven't thought about what would happen if you went home and Eli was still here." 

Holland shrugged her shoulders, her arms wrapping around herself," I dunno, Lily. You heard him. Eight years he's gonna be in here. What am I supposed to do, come during visiting hours and bring candles so we can have a date? And what if we did this for a couple years? Am I supposed to just walk in here with a wedding dress and some rings and get married like? It's just...you're right, I've thought about it. That doesn't mean I get what I want."

"Which is?" 

"To give him and I a chance. We met in a situation that was fucked from the start, Lily. 

We're cursed." 

-------------------

Holland made her way over to Eli who was sitting on top of the picnic table. She sat next to him and he offered her the cigarette he had been taking a drag from. She waved her hand at it, shooing it away.

"No thanks, trying to cut back."

He raised an eyebrow because he had only ever seen her smoke two cigarettes since they'd met.

"Okay...," he elongated, "what's up?"

"Why do you think something's up?"

"You're being weird. So I can only assume."

"No I'm not...but I do want to talk to you about something."

"Alright, shoot."

She scooted back on the tabletop, crossing her legs.

"Eli, do you believe in gods?"

He looked over his shoulder, his face confused.

"Uh, like Buddha and stuff?"

"Yeah, but like more...Greek."

"So Zeus and Hades and all them?"

"Exactly," she preened, "What about Ares? Do you know who that is?"

His face remained puzzled as he slid back next to her, snuffing out his cigarette on the worn wooden table, "If my seventh grade English class doesn't fail me, yeah, I think so. God of War, right?"



"That's the one," she said. "I know this is going to sound insane, but I need you to believe me. I think my dad could help you get out of here before your eight years are up."

"Wait, first we were talking about Greek Mythology then you switch the subject to your dad. I'm even more confused than I was before."

She took a deep breath. She knew that he was going to think she was crazy. But maybe he wanted to give them a chance as much as she did, and that would persuade him to at least hear her out.

"Ares...he's my dad."

"I didn't think delusions were a symptom of depression."

"Eli...I'm serious. I know how absurd it sounds but it's the truth. I was supposed to be a demigod and I didn't turn out that way. That's why he practically disowned me."

He sat there for a while. And she was pleading for him to say something, but she wasn't sure she wanted to hear it. What if he just laughed in her face?

"I mean...wow. That's really hard to wrap your mind around. I might need a bit to accept that."

Holland tucked her bottom lip in behind her teeth.

Great. Now he thinks I'm some kind of freak.

"But," he added,"If you aren't totally cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, how in the hell could the god of war help me?"

Chapter 1-10: Two More Mintues

White walls, white floors, white sheets, white lab coats, everything was barren. It was blinding. Holland moved her head to try and see the sky through the slats of the also white vertical blinds, but it was a cascade of grey and snowflakes. 

Figures.

 Through the small window in the door, she noticed a doctor speaking to a tall figure with brown hair curtained over his face. He pushed the door open and she was relieved, but also, terrified to see it was her father.

She felt like someone had their hand clenched around her heart, squeezing so tightly that it shattered. She knew that he was going to be upset, to scold and condescend the way he always did when she got into any sort of trouble.



Her lip quivered when he sat down in the chair next to the bed. She went to speak but her words were lost in the vastness of her uncertainty. She closed her eyes, keeping her head down. She tried to keep the tears from falling but they pricked the blanket unaffected. Her caramel colored hair was draping around her face.

"Daddy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It wasn't my fault, I promised I wouldn't let you down again and I failed at that too," she sobbed, her shoulders heaving, "I'm such a fuck up." 

Ares reached out and pushed all of her disoriented hair away from her face, making her look up.

"You didn't let me down, Holland. You didn't fail. I love you no matter how bad the situation appears to be. We just need to focus on getting you home."

Her tears subsided, and she looked at him, shocked.

"I-I didn't? B-but you don't even know what happened. Did you visit the God of Truth or something? I don't understand."

"The pain in your eyes tells me all that I need to know, my love. And your doctors told me what happened to you. And if I ever find this 'Jesse' specimen I'm going to turn him into dog food." 

Holland felt a smile tug at the corners of her mouth. She missed her dad. And it wasn't just the missing you feel when someone goes on a vacation for a week, it was the kind of longing that she had felt for years. Even when she made the claims that she hated her father, or that her father hated her, she always wanted a real relationship with him deep down. She wanted him to walk her down the aisle and dance with her at her wedding, and it was like now she could find the idea to be plausible.

"Hey, where's Mom?"

"She is in the Gift Shop cooing over a stuffed giraffe and hats for infants. She claims she only wants one but it's hard to believe that."

"You want another baby? But you guys are like, old..."

He laughed, and she felt like she could feel the room shake, "We're perfectly content with you, Dear. I'm gonna go speak to a doctor about when we can take you home."

"I...," she paused, "Dad, I think I want to stay for a while. I was doing really well here, I even made friends. I just think it's the best choice right now."

"I understand, Holland. That's very mature of you to do. How could you ever think I'd not be proud of you? You're an amazing girl."

--------------------

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

Her hands trembled with weakness and when she tried to relax her muscles, and her mind, she just became more frustrated with herself. She couldn't recall the symptoms being this bad the first time, but maybe that was because it had seemed so long ago since then. It had only been a week and a half of being two steps back. Nothing seemed to be helping this time around, Not the meds, the breathing exercises, nor the pastime activities for distraction. Her veins itched with anticipation as if they were starving, as if the blood running through them made her feel more dead than alive. 

She threw on a hoodie and rolled her eyes at the missing drawstrings. 

If you're not fucking nuts when you come in here, you will be by the time you leave.

The blanketed snow crunched beneath her feet, clumps falling into her shoes and dampening her socks. She turned her head left and then to the right. After securely scoping the hallway, she pushed the door open slightly, stepping over the stick that was keeping it from locking.

There on top of the picnic table sat the brown haired boy that had become too familiar. That she was depending on more than she'd like and more than he knew. Every time, he found a way to protect her.  

"Can I ask you something, Eli?" 

"Anything." 

"Why do you save me? Why don't you just let bad things happen to me? I was a complete stranger to you on that roof," she pauses, looking up behind her, "you could've let me fall. Why didn't you?" 

He coughs, his breath swirling into the midnight, frozen air, "Why didn't I just sit back and let someone die right in front of me? I don't know that's a tough one." 

She scoffed, pushing his shoulder, "But it's more than that. You're there every single time I get hurt." 

"I'm sorry that you're not used to someone being there for you, but it's called caring about someone." 

She'd been on edge since they moved her back to the psychiatric ward, irritated at the littlest of inconveniences or most things in general. He was right, she wasn't used to it, but that didn't stop her from getting offended. 

"You're wrong. I've been there for me." 

He rolled his eyes so hard they could have orbited around his head, "God, not this 'I'm my own hero' shit again." 

"Excuse you?," she remarked, her brow furrowing in agitation. 

He slid off the table and dusted the snow from his jeans. 

"You think you're so fucking invincible, Holland. You knew what going to that party, seeing that asshole again was gonna do, but you did it anyway. Newsflash: You do stupid shit when you're around him. You thought that you could go in there and be some badass chick who went in there, told him to go fuck himself, throw a drink in his face and leave. But you couldn't cause you still love him."

"Stop acting like you have me all figured out!" 

He groaned, "Take your own advice, you don't have any fucking idea who you are! At least I know that I'm batshit insane. I admit it. You try to pretend your problems don't exist and then wonder why bad shit happens to you. 

I'm trying to save you cause I can't save myself. This shit doesn't just go away. It effects every goddamn thing I do, everything I think --"

"What I'm dealing with doesn't go away either, Eli," she exclaimed, her voice harsh and near his,"but that doesn't give you the right to hold my hand and be some type of fucking knight in shining armor. I never asked you to save me." 

They were close to each other, their bodies exchanging the rising heat between them. He glided his palm along the side of her face, cupping her flushed cheek. His eyes flickered back and forth, reading hers. 

He tried to slow his voice, but like his pulse, it was erratic and loud. 

"Did you ever stop to think that I save you all the time because...." 

He stopped, the words trapped inside his lips. His hand lowered and clenched into a fist of desperation in front of him. 

"Because what, Eli?" 

"Forget it," he said, straightening his jacket and moving past her to the thin line of light coming from the door. He tiptoed through it, leaving Holland in the dead silence of a winter night, with only her yearnings to come and add static.

-------------------- 

"There is obviously an elephant in the room that we should discuss, Holland." 

The ticking of the clock rang in her ears, louder every passing second she had to sit on this tufted, leather couch listening to a chafing voice trying to understand her.

"Yeah, me forcibly getting held down while cocaine was shoved in my face, or do you just want to go ahead and skip to the judgement and call it a relapse?" 

"You'll get no judgement from me. It's not my job to judge you. It's my job to help you," the therapist replied, sitting on the couch next to her and resting his arm on the back, "it's a climactic experience, and if you're ready to talk about it, we should do so." 

She eyed him anxiously and scooted farther away when she swore she felt his finger trace her knee.

 "There's nothing to talk about, everyone I give or once gave a shit about ends up fucking me over or some kind of up eventually. I have so many destructive thoughts running through my head at any given time. I take my showers just a little too hot and scratch my skin just a little too hard. I constantly have to find the will to even want to keep breathing, to keep living on hope." 

"Things will get better." 

The irritation was immersing her, pulling her deeper into this rotten pit she'd been pushed in.

"I. Was. Better. Don't sit there and tell me that it'll get better when it's only gotten worse. It seems there's only one person in my goddamn life that can tell me like it is, that can tell me what I don't want to hear, even though they're right. And he's not my therapist." 

"I'm assuming you're speaking about Elijah. He's always been quite open with emotions. So, you like someone giving you a kick in the ass, is that what motivates you?" 

"He makes me think. He challenges me. And I've been told to stay away from him, but I don't see why I should. He's abrasive, but maybe I need abrasive." 

The man couldn't keep the corner of his thin lips from upturning. 

"You're very passionate, Holland. It's one of your most redeeming qualities. You don't let anyone tell you how to feel, and you can recognize your faults. A lot of people can't do that. You're quite different from my other patients, and I know I should refrain from saying this, but, you're probably my favorite." 

 A chill crawled its way up her spine. 

"I think I'm gonna throw up," she muttered, springing up from the couch and pushing the door to his office open. The scent of cleaning product stung her nose as she ushered down the hallway, swerving a nurse here and bumping shoulders with a doctor there.

Her legs carried her to the door and she pushed it open. Sunlight peeked through the bars on the windows, a decadent reflection illuminating skin. 

He was perplexed, but before a whisper was emitted, she kissed him. 

Once. Twice.

"Distract me."

He listened.