Chapter 1-5: Tumbling Down

"Holland, you have a visitor." 

The voice registered in her head but her eyes remained locked on the view of the outdoors between the bars on the window. 

He was here.

For the first time since the party, Jesse had noticed she was gone. He'd even gone so far as to call her mom and find out where she was so he could come see her. That meant something right?

So why did she want to vomit at the thought of seeing him?

You're fine, Holland. Everything is gonna be fine. You love him.

Her legs felt like someone had poured  concrete into them as she stepped into the visitation area. And there he stood in all of his six foot, brunette, freckled glory. He smiled and shouted her name, flooding the room with his voice. He squeezed her but she didn't hug back. Her heart raced inside her chest but it was a different kind of pattern. 

"Are you not wearing any makeup? Who knew my girl was a natural beauty, eh?" 

Her eyes narrowed behind him as he walked over and sat down. She brushed her finger against her eyelashes, a black streak revealing the mascara she had the energy to put on that morning.

Before she was at the table Jesse was up again, twiddling his thumbs, sort of bouncing in place.

"Y-You wanna eat? Can guests eat here? They got good food?"

Her voice was low, an irritated whisper. 

"Ar- Jesse, are you high right now?" 

"Shhh, nah babe. Just mad hungry."

"No. You can't eat here, not unless you bring something and they check it."

"So uptight here huh? That's alright. We can sit. How are you? I missed you..."

How am I? You're really doing this?

Maybe he was always like this and she just never noticed because she was high too. She was nervous to be around him because she knew the kind of power he possessed over her. Her mind drifted to the therapy session.

"Are you sure you're not high? Jesse, please..."

"No, I'm not. I promise. Did you not miss me?"

Didn't she?

She let out a small sigh before nodding. She wanted to convince herself that she hadn't even thought about him since she got here, but she wasn't that good of a liar. There was a weakness that came with him. Maybe it was the whole 'first love' thing. But it was strong and it just wouldn't seem to budge.

"I did miss you. Why did you wait so long to see me? I've been here for almost three months."

"I didn't know what happened to you, babe. It finally dawned on me to get a hold of your mom. You know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box..."

Ugh. His laugh. And his eyes. And his smile...

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They had been playing catch-up for a while. He would laugh and she would smile.

"Eli, would you stop staring at them? Your stalker status has gone from yellow to orange."

"Shut up, Lily. I'm not a stalker. I just don't like that guy. I get a bad vibe from him." 

"You get a bad vibe from any male that comes in a five foot radius of her."

He turned around and gave Lily a look before walking off. In the back of his mind, he sort of knew that she was right. He was noticing her more, thinking about her more. And he knew that it was risky. He didn't want to hurt Holland. He didn't want to ever hurt Rachel either. He just wanted her to stay.

"If that guy hurts her Lily I swear--"

"You'll what? What are you gonna do? It's obvious she has history with that guy, Eli.  Look at her, she loves him. He seems like the douchebag poster child to me but I don't like to judge books based on covers." 

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. The way she fell against his chest on the roof, the way she cried, that wasn't just the tears from a near-death experience. She wasn't just afraid from almost falling. No one looks that beautiful while crying, but she did. In that moment, she needed him. 

"Eli, look." 

"And my stalker stat--"

His voice ceased when he turned around. They were getting up, and sneaking out of the visitation room. No one who was supposed to notice did. Holland had a gleam in her eye as she crept hand-in-hand through the doorway. 

What the hell is she doing?

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 The last time Jesse Rothman had kissed her was the night her entire life stopped dead in its tracks, had a tantrum, and violently shook until its entire composition was dismantled in fragments. 

And now it was three seconds ago. 

She wanted to believe that it was because it had been so long or that because she missed him, but she tasted something in his kiss. It wasn't alcohol and he was hungry so it couldn't be something he'd eaten. Her mind just now started to question the situation but it was halted when a crimson drop fell from his nose. 

"Oh my god, you're bleeding. Jesse...You told me you weren't high!"

Her voice cracked as she pushed him away from her.

"Babe, keep it down. I'm not high. I promised. I wouldn't lie to you. It's just something that happens...you know." 

She read his eyes, the only thing she could really trust in a person, and he was telling the truth. She knew nosebleeds were a side effect of regular cocaine use. She'd had plenty of them herself. 

He stepped closer to her, regaining the lack of distance that was between them. His hand was around her waist and hers rested on his shoulder.

"You're off this crap. I wanna be clean for you, Holland. I'm trying to stop." 

Tears started to fall from her eyes and for the first time in not just three months, but probably in years, they were happy. 

"You what? Jesse, really? Are you serious, oh my god! That's amazing! You should get help though. It's hell to go through and I'm in rehab."

"I'd go through a million hells for you. I love you." 

She smiled before pressing her lips to his.

"I love you too." 

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"Holland. There you are. You know you're not supposed to leave visitation without telling someone."

"I'm sorry, I just wasn't feeling well at all. I was getting a headache. I'm feeling much better now though. It wont happen again, I promise."

The nurse nodded. Holland hadn't given anyone any trouble. She had followed all the rules here. She had always followed the rules everywhere. But with Jesse she seemed to bend them, there was something about the commotion that came with him. That led to a cocaine addiction but he said was going to get clean for her. This time would be different.

She bit her lip as she stared out the window again, trying to shadow the smile that was pasted on her face.

She heard a knock at her door and turned around to be greeted by Eli. 

"Where've you been?" 

"Nowhere. Just around." 

"You seem chipper."

"...And you do not. Eli, I don't mean to be a dick but I've actually had a really good day. I really need this right now so if something is wrong can it please just wait for now? Can we talk about it later?" 

He raised an eyebrow at her. Nothing was wrong, or he that's what he would let on, he just wanted to talk. Like friends do. Cause that's what she was. A friend. Nothing more. 

Did I walk into the wrong room? Are there two Hollands in this hospital?

"Uh. Nothing's wrong but sure. I'll talk to you later..."

He reversed his steps back to the door and stopped before leaving.

"And for the record, just because you say 'don't mean to be a dick' doesn't mean that you're not being one. That's like saying 'no offense' before telling me I have ugly teeth and bad style."

Her mouth opened slightly but he was gone before anything could come out of it. Maybe she should feel bad, but she didn't. She wanted to enjoy the good say she had, that wasn't a crime. They were few and far between and she was going to hold onto this one.