Chapter 1-7: Ghost

"We're going to have to build an arc, Jesus fuck."

"I think you just broke like three commandments," Holland laughed, shaking her head at Lily.

It had been raining off and on for almost two weeks. Creeks and rivers were rapidly on the rise, flooding surrounding areas of Bridgeport. Because there was a hospital below the psych ward, the city had sandbagged and did a mostly good job of keeping any increasing water away from the building. 

So Jesse could still visit today. But that doesn't mean that some last minute, forgotten about plan wouldn't come up and spoil it. Holland learned to never get her hopes up with him the hard way, or was starting to. 

The facility they all resigned in wasn't rundown, but it was mediocre at best. Although her mother was a popular fashion blogger, she wasn't made of money and treatment can run pretty high. She wanted Holland to get good care, but wanted to be a strong support system herself. Although, with her busy life, she was unfortunately falling short, leaving Holland to her own devices. 

"Phone call, Miss Young." 

She held the phone to her ear and Jesse's voice echoed through the other end. 

Here we go, cancelling on me, again. 

"What's your favorite color?" 

"What? Why?"

"Just answer me, Hol." 

"Purple..."

"Oh. I thought it was white...Eh, I'm sure you'll like this. I'll see you soon."

And before she could say anything else, the line was disconnected. Her face was puzzled but turned to surprise when Eli came up behind her silently before saying 'Hey' over her shoulder. 

"Jesus, Eli. You've got to stop doing that. It's a psych ward, not a spy movie."

"The name's Montegomery. Eli Montegomery."

"You're such a dork, I swear to God." 

"So is your boyfriend coming today?"

"He's on his way. That was him just now." 

"I was thinking we could hang out today. Go to some bullshit art class or something." 

"After, yeah? I hear it's game night and I'd love to watch you cry when I beat you at Monopoly." 

"Okay. Have fun, Holland." 

He turned and she swore she heard him whisper under his breath something along the lines of 'Be careful' or 'Be smart,' but maybe that was her own self speaking up. 

A while later Jesse showed up, and he looked less than put together. His hair hadn't been combed in what seemed like a week, his clothes were wrinkled and he smelled like smoke. Holland noticed the odor before noticing the white roses in the glass vase he had in his hand.

"Here, baby! Look what I got you!"

She smiled, but it faded into a guilty frown.

"Jesse, they are beautiful and the thought means the world to me...but I can't have them here. The vase is glass, and they have thorns and we can't have anything that may be a danger to us or someone else. I'm so sorry." 

"If you don't want them, you don't have to make up an excuse, you can just say so." 

Her face twisted, an aback look spreading across it. 

"What? Jesse, no. I'm being serious. I know it seems kind of extreme but I don't make the rules. If I could take them I would, I swear." 

Why was he being like this? Her eyes started to water at the corners and  her arms were wrapped so tightly around herself that she felt as if she couldn't breathe. Guilt poured through her like it was somehow her fault. 

"Fine. Maybe I'll just give them to someone else." 

Her mouth fell open, and she pressed her nails into her skin so deeply it almost drew blood. 

"I- I don't want to see you anymore. Go home, Jesse." 

She had never said that to him before. She had never felt like she was the one in control of what he did to her. But now, she was. 

--------------------

There was supposed to be time allowed outside today, but because of the downpour, it was postponed. 

Holland made a bee-line for the nurses station, looking for Gloria, the nurse that seemed to look out for her. She always notified Holland of phone calls and when to take her meds. She was a middle aged woman, with tan skin and a sing song voice that could make an insult feel like a compliment. 

"Can I go outside?" 

"Holland, honey, our outdoor time is put off until it stops raining." 

"Please...Gloria. Please can I?" 

Anyone could see the pleading in her greenish eyes. Gloria gave a sympathetic half smile before walking around the desk of the nurses station and putting an arm around Holland. She led her to a door that led to the fenced in area and spoke to her softly.

"Now, Holland. I'll give you twenty minutes. I'm not supposed to be doing this, but I can tell that you really need it, and I'm trusting you." 

She nodded, fighting back the tears but some still slipping through.

"Okay, Gloria. You can. Thank you. Thank you so much." 

The grass was wet, the picnic tables had puddles on their surfaces, and rain came down just hard enough to be cinematic. The precipitation had drenched her hair in seconds, making her clothes stick to her skin. She slid against the wall of the building, the cement cold against her back. 

She was finally alone, and now that she was, her own storm fell from her eyes. All she ever did was love him, yet his love always seemed so far away. Like an abstract concept, or a fifth dimension. She'd move mountains and jump canyons to be with him and she wasn't sure he'd even walk around the corner.  

Her chest heaved and ached as the tears poured down her cheeks. For months and months on end she wondered if she should go. If she even had the ability to. Any resolve that had Jesse still in the picture didn't seem like much of a resolve at all. She was so much better without him, but that never changed the fact that she loved him with everything that she had. 

How can you love someone like this and they not be what you need?

He always had her dying to keep up with his promises on the horizon, but the sun was setting now. It was starting to burn out completely, warping into a black hole. 

--------------------

The sound of metal clicking caught in her ears. Had the few minutes of solitude she asked for passed already? The solitude she wanted, welcomed. The one that didn't make her feel hollow inside, was it gone, like everything else? 

"Holland..."

That's not Gloria.

Eli.

"God, what?" she asked, anguish staining her voice that barely carried, "what do you want from me?"

He knelt down to her but his lips remained closed. Her eyes met his face but it was as unreadable as a foreign language. She went to ask him again, because maybe the rain drowned her out or maybe he was going deaf.

"Absolutely nothing. I wan't nothing from you. Okay, that's a lie... I want you to let me be there for you." 

Holland blinked, droplets catching on her eyelashes. 

"Why? So you can get close to me and hurt me like everyone else does? My boyfriend-if that's even what he is- doesn't care about me, my own fucking dad doesn't care about me, why should I fool myself into thinking you care about me?

I'm alone, Eli. And I'm always going to be. 

Stop trying to save me." 

"I can't do that," he said, hushed and slow, like it was a secret he shouldn't be sharing.

"Why?" 

"Because..." 

She wiped the tears from her eyes, "That's why? Just 'Because?' My hero."

"You know, you can be a real asshole sometimes," he grimaced, getting to his feet and looking down at her, "I'm trying to be nice, to be a friend to you. One minute you want to be friends and then the next you act like this and wonder why I don't talk to you. Not everyone is going to hurt you. Not me. I'm actually trying to protect you." 

Her hands pushed into the pavement as she lifted herself off the ground, standing square in front of Eli,"Protect me from what? I don't need protecting!" 

"From yourself. The guy treats you like shit and you let him. You stick around. Why don't you stick up for yourself the way you did with your dad, huh? Why do you give yourself to people who don't deserve you?"

"Don't deserve me? Who deserves me, Eli? You? Are you jealous or something?" 

"I'm not jealous of a guy who treats you like shit. And I'm not jealous of a guy who has a girl who lets it happen. I want to be there for you Holland, but I'm not gonna literally and figuratively be your shoulder to lean on every time he hurts you and you do nothing. You have fight in you. Use it."

They were close in proximity to one another but he stepped back and headed for the door, his fingers wrapping around the handle. He opened it, but stopped and looked back at her, her arms folded and her hip to one side. Her jaw was clenched like she was either holding something back or at a loss for words. Either way, she said nothing. She just stared at him with softened eyes.

"And for the record, I don't deserve you either. But you haven't told me to go away yet, so I'm sticking around, cause I wish I did."