1-13: Let Me Down Slowly

Author's note: This chapter contains possibly triggering material on the topic of suicide. Please read with discretion. I love you and whatever you may be going through, please do not go it alone. There are people who will listen, who will care. The world deserves to have you in it. <3

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Holland saw nurses running down the hallway. That was nothing new, but in the pit of her stomach, something dark was impending. Something was wrong.

She looked at Jesse, her face turning to one of anger and urgency. 

"Get out." 

"What? Holland, what are you talking about," he said, reaching for her hand.

"Don't touch me! Get out Jesse. I never want to see you again in my fucking life."

And with that Holland shoved the bouquet of roses off the table, letting them fall to the floor. She followed in the direction of the nurses. She couldn't shake the dreading feeling that had been looming and becoming more ever present. 

"Patient on the roof. I repeat, we have a patient on the roof of the hospital," a security guard said over his walkie as he rushed past her.

Her stomach turned. There was only one other person who went on that roof.

She ran as fast as her feet could carry her. The stairwell was blocked off by security guards. She was out of breath by the time she reached them. 

"Please, you have to let me up there!" 

"Miss, this is an emergency, please go back to your room."

"No!" she interjected, "Look, you don't understand. I need to save him! I'm the only one who can talk him down." 

"Ma'am, I have to insist." 

"Let me up there you big fucking idiot! His blood is on your hands if you don't," Holland exhaled, frustrated and emotional. It took every fiber of her being not to place her hands on him to shove him out the way. This couldn't be happening. She was so close to getting him out, being with him in a place that wasn't a complete shit show.

"I can't let you up there." 

Holland scowled, looking behind her over at a fire alarm. She pulled it down, the alarm sounding, piercing everyone's ears.

"Oh no. You're security. You have to get everyone out. Better go." 

The man gave her a grimace as a few of the other guards dispersed and he was left being the only thing that remained between her and that roof.

"You think you can save him?"

"Yes.  He's rescued me so many times. Let me return the favor. Please." 

"Go. But I never saw you go up there."

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Her heart pounded in her chest as she ran up the stairs. The anticipation of what was up there, and her lack of cardio, made her out of breath as she got to the top. The door was open and she could see him standing there playing with the precipice of death. 

"Eli."

He looked over his shoulder at her. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy. 

"Eli...What are you doing up here?"

"I have nothing. I could jump and no one would miss me, you know."

"Elijah, that's not true." 

He looked at her again. She's never called him that.

"I'd miss you." 

"No you wouldn't. Jesse would make you forget all about me. Did you ever really see me in the first place?"

Her heart sank, guilt rising in her throat.

"Eli, he just showed up here. It's not like that, I swear," she pleaded, stepping closer to him. "Jesse isn't who I want. You are."

He looked down at her now that she was by his side. The wind was chilly and blew her hair into her teary eyes before she tucked it behind her ears.

"Is that right? Or are you just saying that to talk me down so you don't feel responsible?"

Her eyes were big and begging, tears slipping from them without inhibition.

"That's right. Eli...I-I'm in love with you. And I need you here with me."

"You only love me because I keep saving you," he said straight faced, looking out toward the skyline.

"No you don't. I save me.

But you're there to help pull me out. And now I'm here to do the same for you. I need you to come down." 

His feet braced the edge of the roof, the tips of his bare toes feeling the nip of the wind. He couldn't look down. But all he had to do was fall. And he was good at falling. He'd fallen for Holland so goddamn easy.

"Why? Why do you need me to come down?"

Okay. Speech time.

"Because you might think you're a monster but you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. Because who else am I gonna lay in the grass with and run to when I'm scared? Eli, I'm trying to get my father who is a Greek fucking god to get you out of here so we can have a real shot at this. So we can give this a fighting chance in a place that is slightly less fucked up than this prison.

I need you to come down because...I need you."

He slowly shifted around to face her.

"So you love me, huh?"

She nodded, tears still in her eyes. He stepped down from the ledge and she pulled him into an embrace, holding him tight and clutching onto this moment. Because in this moment, he was safe. They were safe.

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Holland crossed her legs in the chair she was sitting in, combing her fingers through her hair. She had been thinking a lot. She'd been conflicted.

Of course she was happy that Eli had come down, but that only was going to make it harder on him to leave. Harder for whoever her father entrusted to wipe memories or persuade or do whatever they would do. That is, if he'd actually done that. So far he hadn't.

Maybe he should be here. He was going to jump off a roof because he simply saw Holland with Jesse. But she tried to cut him some slack. No mental illness is easy to deal with, she knew that first hand.

Eli had been in extensive therapy for weeks now, leaving Holland to reach out to others. She'd been talking to her mom a lot. Her mother wanted her to come home.

"Speak of the Devil," Holland said to herself as she picked up the phone that she was allowed to have now. "I was just thinking about you." 

"Aww, that's sweet Hol. Have you thought any more about coming home? I sure do miss you, baby." 

"I don't know Mom. I...I'm just lost. I shouldn't be bitter about what happened but I am and I don't know how to feel about how I'm feeling."

"I know what it's like to want something and feel like the world is against you. But you can't put your own life, and your own well being on hold, love."

"Has Dad said anything about what I asked him?" She said into the phone as Eli walked around the corner with a puzzled look on his face.

"Hold on Mom." 

She looked at him from her chair, "What is it?"

He stuttered, "I-I tried signing in for therapy and the nurse said they've never seen me before. And that I'm not in the system. What the hell is going on?" 

Holland's eyes widened when she connected the dots.

"Mom, I'm gonna have to call you back."