She looked around the room with her cloudy, blue-green eyes, noticing empty chairs at empty tables. He could have sat anywhere. Why here?
"Is this like your table or something?"
"I can't sit where I want? I can't talk to the new girl?"
New girl? Is that how the other patients saw her, as some runt that stumbled in here with wobbly legs?
"Your dad kinda seems like an asshole."
Her face twisted at his comment. And for some reason she wanted to defend him, like a room full of people hadn't witnessed it with her. She always stood up for the people that dragged her down.
"He is. But if you came over here with your mystery meat and peas to talk about my dad then it's going to be a short conversation. I don't want to talk about him."
The boy across from her stopped mid chew, looked at her and put his hands up gesturing that he'd back off the subject. There was a silence between them as he finished his plate and she sat there somewhat confused. The only reason she didn't move is because she didn't feel like she had the energy to.
"Food never was very good here. I can take that to the trash for you if you want."
"You seem to like it."
"Just gotten used to it. I've been here awhile."
She pulled her legs to her chest again, pulling the sleeves of her hoodie over her knuckles. From what she could see, this guy seemed pretty normal. Intrusive maybe, but not crazy. But then again, everyone struggles with problems that others know nothing about. He stood up and without hesitation, reached his hand out to her.
"Hey. Come with me somewhere."
"What? I don't even know you."
"I'm Eli. There, now you know me. You can trust me."
"People who say that are usually the ones that end up fucking you up the most."
"Alright fine. I can respect that. Just thought you'd like to get some fresh air. I know an exit to the roof the staff use for smoke breaks."
She sensed him stiffen. Like he was offended she didn't want to go somewhere with him. And to the roof of all places. He was obviously in here for a reason, what if he tried to push her off or jump or something? She shook the thought from her foggy mind, she didn't want to stereotype. She hated when it happened to her.
"Wait...I do. Want to get some air I mean."
--------------------
"You never told me your name."
"What if I don't want to? What if I want to be a mystery so no one here knows who I am?"
"If anyone knows you, it's the people here."
"....Holland."
They sat on the ledge, their bare feet dangling off the side. He did first before offering a hand for her to join him. The worst she could do was fall. She kind of hoped that she would. It was far enough down that she'd be out like the light inside of her.
"What're you in for?"
She shot him a look, "Aren't you supposed to like, not ask that?"
"I think that's prison."
"Is there a difference? Scheduled days, shitty food, barred windows, I'm not seeing much of one."
A look of contemplation washed over his features, like he had never thought of it that way. But if he hadn't before, and had been here as long as he was leading on, it'd be hard to imagine what kept him disillusioned. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was his own head.
"You're a wise girl, Holland."
The cool air filled her lungs as she breathed in, closing her eyes.
When will I feel better? When will I feel anything at all?
In that moment, with her eyes shut tightly on the thin slab of concrete, her balance faltered. She tipped forward, the atmosphere threatening to bring her plummeting. The air that she just inhaled revolved from her throat in a gasp, her heart pounding inside her chest as she gripped the arm in front of her waist that had stopped her from crashing to her death.
Terror wasn't what she wanted to feel. But it was something.
She let go of his arm, and turned to scoot off the ledge, white dots appearing where her fingers had been. There were tears on her cheeks and she wiped them away briskly, looking at him as he followed suit.
Before he could mouth the question, she was dampening his shirt with her face in his chest and hers convulsing. He didn't speak but tucked his arms around her.
"It's okay. I've got you."
---------------------
A white paper cup enclosed in her hands as she sat on Eli's bed. She sipped the water passively, her eyes making their way to his face and back down in inconsistent repeats.
"Are you okay? You haven't said a word."
The water sloshed from side to side in its container whilst her dainty fingers trembled around it. She blew a breath through her lips, "I don't know. I'm alive, kind of. At least that made me feel something."
"Aw, don't become an adrenaline junkie on me now."
She smiled. And it was real.
"I can't make any promises."
He leaned against the door to his room, his arms across his chest, and glanced into the hallway like he was waiting for someone. A lump began to rise in her throat, similar to the one she felt when the click of the cuffs around her wrists hit her ears.
"You're not gonna tell anyone about this, are you?"
"You almost fell off a roof, it's not like you were trying to die...unless you were."
"Even if I was going to kill myself, becoming a pancake doesn't sound like a good exit strategy."
He laughed but his stature shifted a second after, when a petite girl with sorrel hair came into his view in the hallway. She popped her head in the door after telling Eli a bubbly hello.
She nudged his side, "Oooh, Elijah, who is this?"
Holland couldn't help but grin, and she thought she even noticed a small chuckle for a moment. This girl had been in the room five seconds and it was as if her light was infectious.
So what the hell are you doing in here?
"This is Holland. Holland, this is Lily. She's like my friend or something."
"Holland, that's a pretty name, Here, scoot, we can all hang out. This place is a fucking drag if you don't make some buds, amirite Elijah?"
"Basically. Lily came to the ward about a month before I did and forced herself on me."
"Don't lie. You just got all offended that I didn't wanna bang you," she teased, throwing the pillow on his unmade bed in his direction. Holland sensed a laugh starting to rise but it was smothered by Eli's sudden stiffness followed with a short breath that was indistinguishable from a laugh or a scoff.
"Keep her company will ya, I'm gonna go get some air."
Holland turned to the girl beside her and gave her a puzzled look, but she waved her hand signaling that it was nothing, just his disposition.
"People actually make friends here, they stay that long?"
"Yep, I've been in here over a year now, so making friends is really the only saving grace I have from ramming my head into the wall, although the voices tell me to do that sometimes. I don't though."
"Oh, I'm sorry..."
"I try to ignore them because they're what got me here. I stabbed my principal because they convinced me that I should. Said he had a demon inside him and that I was the only one that could save him. Turns out, he wasn't possessed."
She smiled, sort of laughing at herself in a way. Admirable.
"That's uh...something else."
"It's okay, I know it's a lot to process but I like to let people know what they're getting into with me right away. I know I'm fucked up, but I think that I'm a good person deep down. I think that the majority of people are, even if they're sick like us."
"I'd like to think that too. Are you sure that Eli is okay?"
Lily's eyebrow raised, "Yes, I'm sure. He gets a little heated sometimes, but he'll cool down and be just fine, like nothing ever happened. He's touchy about that kind of stuff, just so you know, since you two seem to have more attraction than magnets."
"....What stuff?"
"Relationships. Attachment. I'm not trying to scare you or make you think that he's a bad person because he's not, but just be careful, okay."
"What if I'm not careful? Will he hurt me?"
The girl with the brown hair let out a small sigh and Holland could sense that she didn't want to share this business, for it wasn't hers to share.
"He doesn't ever want to hurt anyone, Holland. Not again. But that's something you have to take up with him. He's the only one that can give you the key to the closet where his skeletons are."
As she nodded, Eli appeared in the doorway. He seemed at ease now. After gifting Lily with a middle finger and a mutual sharing of a 'Hate you,' he lifted his eyes slowly toward Holland and smiled. A rush of something cascaded over her skin, maybe it was intrigue, maybe it was nervousness.
She couldn't quite place what it was, or if it was good or bad, but that smile told her that she was definitely going to find out, one way or another.
"Is this like your table or something?"
"I can't sit where I want? I can't talk to the new girl?"
New girl? Is that how the other patients saw her, as some runt that stumbled in here with wobbly legs?
"Your dad kinda seems like an asshole."
Her face twisted at his comment. And for some reason she wanted to defend him, like a room full of people hadn't witnessed it with her. She always stood up for the people that dragged her down.
"He is. But if you came over here with your mystery meat and peas to talk about my dad then it's going to be a short conversation. I don't want to talk about him."
The boy across from her stopped mid chew, looked at her and put his hands up gesturing that he'd back off the subject. There was a silence between them as he finished his plate and she sat there somewhat confused. The only reason she didn't move is because she didn't feel like she had the energy to.
"Food never was very good here. I can take that to the trash for you if you want."
"You seem to like it."
"Just gotten used to it. I've been here awhile."
She pulled her legs to her chest again, pulling the sleeves of her hoodie over her knuckles. From what she could see, this guy seemed pretty normal. Intrusive maybe, but not crazy. But then again, everyone struggles with problems that others know nothing about. He stood up and without hesitation, reached his hand out to her.
"Hey. Come with me somewhere."
"What? I don't even know you."
"I'm Eli. There, now you know me. You can trust me."
"People who say that are usually the ones that end up fucking you up the most."
"Alright fine. I can respect that. Just thought you'd like to get some fresh air. I know an exit to the roof the staff use for smoke breaks."
She sensed him stiffen. Like he was offended she didn't want to go somewhere with him. And to the roof of all places. He was obviously in here for a reason, what if he tried to push her off or jump or something? She shook the thought from her foggy mind, she didn't want to stereotype. She hated when it happened to her.
"Wait...I do. Want to get some air I mean."
--------------------
"You never told me your name."
"What if I don't want to? What if I want to be a mystery so no one here knows who I am?"
"If anyone knows you, it's the people here."
"....Holland."
They sat on the ledge, their bare feet dangling off the side. He did first before offering a hand for her to join him. The worst she could do was fall. She kind of hoped that she would. It was far enough down that she'd be out like the light inside of her.
"What're you in for?"
She shot him a look, "Aren't you supposed to like, not ask that?"
"I think that's prison."
"Is there a difference? Scheduled days, shitty food, barred windows, I'm not seeing much of one."
A look of contemplation washed over his features, like he had never thought of it that way. But if he hadn't before, and had been here as long as he was leading on, it'd be hard to imagine what kept him disillusioned. Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was his own head.
"You're a wise girl, Holland."
The cool air filled her lungs as she breathed in, closing her eyes.
When will I feel better? When will I feel anything at all?
In that moment, with her eyes shut tightly on the thin slab of concrete, her balance faltered. She tipped forward, the atmosphere threatening to bring her plummeting. The air that she just inhaled revolved from her throat in a gasp, her heart pounding inside her chest as she gripped the arm in front of her waist that had stopped her from crashing to her death.
Terror wasn't what she wanted to feel. But it was something.
She let go of his arm, and turned to scoot off the ledge, white dots appearing where her fingers had been. There were tears on her cheeks and she wiped them away briskly, looking at him as he followed suit.
Before he could mouth the question, she was dampening his shirt with her face in his chest and hers convulsing. He didn't speak but tucked his arms around her.
"It's okay. I've got you."
---------------------
A white paper cup enclosed in her hands as she sat on Eli's bed. She sipped the water passively, her eyes making their way to his face and back down in inconsistent repeats.
"Are you okay? You haven't said a word."
The water sloshed from side to side in its container whilst her dainty fingers trembled around it. She blew a breath through her lips, "I don't know. I'm alive, kind of. At least that made me feel something."
"Aw, don't become an adrenaline junkie on me now."
She smiled. And it was real.
"I can't make any promises."
He leaned against the door to his room, his arms across his chest, and glanced into the hallway like he was waiting for someone. A lump began to rise in her throat, similar to the one she felt when the click of the cuffs around her wrists hit her ears.
"You're not gonna tell anyone about this, are you?"
"You almost fell off a roof, it's not like you were trying to die...unless you were."
"Even if I was going to kill myself, becoming a pancake doesn't sound like a good exit strategy."
He laughed but his stature shifted a second after, when a petite girl with sorrel hair came into his view in the hallway. She popped her head in the door after telling Eli a bubbly hello.
She nudged his side, "Oooh, Elijah, who is this?"
Holland couldn't help but grin, and she thought she even noticed a small chuckle for a moment. This girl had been in the room five seconds and it was as if her light was infectious.
So what the hell are you doing in here?
"This is Holland. Holland, this is Lily. She's like my friend or something."
"Holland, that's a pretty name, Here, scoot, we can all hang out. This place is a fucking drag if you don't make some buds, amirite Elijah?"
"Basically. Lily came to the ward about a month before I did and forced herself on me."
"Don't lie. You just got all offended that I didn't wanna bang you," she teased, throwing the pillow on his unmade bed in his direction. Holland sensed a laugh starting to rise but it was smothered by Eli's sudden stiffness followed with a short breath that was indistinguishable from a laugh or a scoff.
"Keep her company will ya, I'm gonna go get some air."
Holland turned to the girl beside her and gave her a puzzled look, but she waved her hand signaling that it was nothing, just his disposition.
"People actually make friends here, they stay that long?"
"Yep, I've been in here over a year now, so making friends is really the only saving grace I have from ramming my head into the wall, although the voices tell me to do that sometimes. I don't though."
"Oh, I'm sorry..."
"I try to ignore them because they're what got me here. I stabbed my principal because they convinced me that I should. Said he had a demon inside him and that I was the only one that could save him. Turns out, he wasn't possessed."
She smiled, sort of laughing at herself in a way. Admirable.
"That's uh...something else."
"It's okay, I know it's a lot to process but I like to let people know what they're getting into with me right away. I know I'm fucked up, but I think that I'm a good person deep down. I think that the majority of people are, even if they're sick like us."
"I'd like to think that too. Are you sure that Eli is okay?"
Lily's eyebrow raised, "Yes, I'm sure. He gets a little heated sometimes, but he'll cool down and be just fine, like nothing ever happened. He's touchy about that kind of stuff, just so you know, since you two seem to have more attraction than magnets."
"....What stuff?"
"Relationships. Attachment. I'm not trying to scare you or make you think that he's a bad person because he's not, but just be careful, okay."
"What if I'm not careful? Will he hurt me?"
The girl with the brown hair let out a small sigh and Holland could sense that she didn't want to share this business, for it wasn't hers to share.
"He doesn't ever want to hurt anyone, Holland. Not again. But that's something you have to take up with him. He's the only one that can give you the key to the closet where his skeletons are."
As she nodded, Eli appeared in the doorway. He seemed at ease now. After gifting Lily with a middle finger and a mutual sharing of a 'Hate you,' he lifted his eyes slowly toward Holland and smiled. A rush of something cascaded over her skin, maybe it was intrigue, maybe it was nervousness.
She couldn't quite place what it was, or if it was good or bad, but that smile told her that she was definitely going to find out, one way or another.