Chapter 1-5: Tumbling Down

"Holland, you have a visitor." 

The voice registered in her head but her eyes remained locked on the view of the outdoors between the bars on the window. 

He was here.

For the first time since the party, Jesse had noticed she was gone. He'd even gone so far as to call her mom and find out where she was so he could come see her. That meant something right?

So why did she want to vomit at the thought of seeing him?

You're fine, Holland. Everything is gonna be fine. You love him.

Her legs felt like someone had poured  concrete into them as she stepped into the visitation area. And there he stood in all of his six foot, brunette, freckled glory. He smiled and shouted her name, flooding the room with his voice. He squeezed her but she didn't hug back. Her heart raced inside her chest but it was a different kind of pattern. 

"Are you not wearing any makeup? Who knew my girl was a natural beauty, eh?" 

Her eyes narrowed behind him as he walked over and sat down. She brushed her finger against her eyelashes, a black streak revealing the mascara she had the energy to put on that morning.

Before she was at the table Jesse was up again, twiddling his thumbs, sort of bouncing in place.

"Y-You wanna eat? Can guests eat here? They got good food?"

Her voice was low, an irritated whisper. 

"Ar- Jesse, are you high right now?" 

"Shhh, nah babe. Just mad hungry."

"No. You can't eat here, not unless you bring something and they check it."

"So uptight here huh? That's alright. We can sit. How are you? I missed you..."

How am I? You're really doing this?

Maybe he was always like this and she just never noticed because she was high too. She was nervous to be around him because she knew the kind of power he possessed over her. Her mind drifted to the therapy session.

"Are you sure you're not high? Jesse, please..."

"No, I'm not. I promise. Did you not miss me?"

Didn't she?

She let out a small sigh before nodding. She wanted to convince herself that she hadn't even thought about him since she got here, but she wasn't that good of a liar. There was a weakness that came with him. Maybe it was the whole 'first love' thing. But it was strong and it just wouldn't seem to budge.

"I did miss you. Why did you wait so long to see me? I've been here for almost three months."

"I didn't know what happened to you, babe. It finally dawned on me to get a hold of your mom. You know I'm not the brightest crayon in the box..."

Ugh. His laugh. And his eyes. And his smile...

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They had been playing catch-up for a while. He would laugh and she would smile.

"Eli, would you stop staring at them? Your stalker status has gone from yellow to orange."

"Shut up, Lily. I'm not a stalker. I just don't like that guy. I get a bad vibe from him." 

"You get a bad vibe from any male that comes in a five foot radius of her."

He turned around and gave Lily a look before walking off. In the back of his mind, he sort of knew that she was right. He was noticing her more, thinking about her more. And he knew that it was risky. He didn't want to hurt Holland. He didn't want to ever hurt Rachel either. He just wanted her to stay.

"If that guy hurts her Lily I swear--"

"You'll what? What are you gonna do? It's obvious she has history with that guy, Eli.  Look at her, she loves him. He seems like the douchebag poster child to me but I don't like to judge books based on covers." 

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. The way she fell against his chest on the roof, the way she cried, that wasn't just the tears from a near-death experience. She wasn't just afraid from almost falling. No one looks that beautiful while crying, but she did. In that moment, she needed him. 

"Eli, look." 

"And my stalker stat--"

His voice ceased when he turned around. They were getting up, and sneaking out of the visitation room. No one who was supposed to notice did. Holland had a gleam in her eye as she crept hand-in-hand through the doorway. 

What the hell is she doing?

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 The last time Jesse Rothman had kissed her was the night her entire life stopped dead in its tracks, had a tantrum, and violently shook until its entire composition was dismantled in fragments. 

And now it was three seconds ago. 

She wanted to believe that it was because it had been so long or that because she missed him, but she tasted something in his kiss. It wasn't alcohol and he was hungry so it couldn't be something he'd eaten. Her mind just now started to question the situation but it was halted when a crimson drop fell from his nose. 

"Oh my god, you're bleeding. Jesse...You told me you weren't high!"

Her voice cracked as she pushed him away from her.

"Babe, keep it down. I'm not high. I promised. I wouldn't lie to you. It's just something that happens...you know." 

She read his eyes, the only thing she could really trust in a person, and he was telling the truth. She knew nosebleeds were a side effect of regular cocaine use. She'd had plenty of them herself. 

He stepped closer to her, regaining the lack of distance that was between them. His hand was around her waist and hers rested on his shoulder.

"You're off this crap. I wanna be clean for you, Holland. I'm trying to stop." 

Tears started to fall from her eyes and for the first time in not just three months, but probably in years, they were happy. 

"You what? Jesse, really? Are you serious, oh my god! That's amazing! You should get help though. It's hell to go through and I'm in rehab."

"I'd go through a million hells for you. I love you." 

She smiled before pressing her lips to his.

"I love you too." 

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"Holland. There you are. You know you're not supposed to leave visitation without telling someone."

"I'm sorry, I just wasn't feeling well at all. I was getting a headache. I'm feeling much better now though. It wont happen again, I promise."

The nurse nodded. Holland hadn't given anyone any trouble. She had followed all the rules here. She had always followed the rules everywhere. But with Jesse she seemed to bend them, there was something about the commotion that came with him. That led to a cocaine addiction but he said was going to get clean for her. This time would be different.

She bit her lip as she stared out the window again, trying to shadow the smile that was pasted on her face.

She heard a knock at her door and turned around to be greeted by Eli. 

"Where've you been?" 

"Nowhere. Just around." 

"You seem chipper."

"...And you do not. Eli, I don't mean to be a dick but I've actually had a really good day. I really need this right now so if something is wrong can it please just wait for now? Can we talk about it later?" 

He raised an eyebrow at her. Nothing was wrong, or he that's what he would let on, he just wanted to talk. Like friends do. Cause that's what she was. A friend. Nothing more. 

Did I walk into the wrong room? Are there two Hollands in this hospital?

"Uh. Nothing's wrong but sure. I'll talk to you later..."

He reversed his steps back to the door and stopped before leaving.

"And for the record, just because you say 'don't mean to be a dick' doesn't mean that you're not being one. That's like saying 'no offense' before telling me I have ugly teeth and bad style."

Her mouth opened slightly but he was gone before anything could come out of it. Maybe she should feel bad, but she didn't. She wanted to enjoy the good say she had, that wasn't a crime. They were few and far between and she was going to hold onto this one.

Chapter 1-4: Fighting Gravity

"Holland, I'd never hurt you. I love you. And I just want to show you that." 

Jesse's words seeped into her mind, the way his skin did her innocent affection. It was the night before her freshman year of high school bloomed into summer vacation, the cool leather of the back seat pressed against her back. 

It was the umpteenth time that he had said those three little words to her, so she felt confident that he wasn't just saying it now to get her to give in. She loved him too. With all she never knew she had, she loved him. He made her feel like she was flying, taking her to the highest highs. She couldn't see an end in sight. He'd never quit on her. They were high schoolers, and maybe that whole 'high school sweetheart' thing didn't happen much anymore, but it was still possible, right? She was sure of it. 

So sure, she poured her soul and body into him, letting him have every piece and part of her. That's what love was to her. 

"--Holland?" 

Reality came crashing down around her, and her cheeks were damp, but what else was new? 

"Huh?" 

"I asked you about the major changes you've had in your life and you mentioned you've recently had your heart broken. I asked you to elaborate and you zoned out after mentioning that he took everything from you," a man sitting across from her stated, his hand out with a tissue in it. 

"Not recently. Heartbreak is something I'm familiar with. I'd say this is just a new flavor. You think you've handled it, coped with what you've been put through but life tends to be like college textbooks, it comes out with a new edition of bullshit and the older versions are useless."

The tall doctor couldn't help but crack a smile. 

"You still seem to have a sense of humor in you, that's something, right?" 

"I wouldn't call it a sense of humor, just unique but accurate comparisons." 

"Holland, let me ask you something, do you think this one on one therapy will help you?" 

She shrugged, crossing her legs on the couch she was sitting on. Maybe it would benefit, but she felt like all they would do was scratch a prescription on some paper and let that fix her. She didn't necessarily want drugs, she felt like she shouldn't have to take medicine to be normal mentally. She was mediocre in everything else, why couldn't her brain be too?

"I don't know. I'm here, I'm trying, aren't I? I want to be better. I don't mean to be an asshole but look around. The drugs are out of my system, I'm just sad. I don't belong here. There are people here that need more help than me." 

"That doesn't make your mental needs invalid. You are just as important as any other person in here. You're my patient and therefore are my first priority. I'll do whatever it takes to be there for you. Remember that." 

He gave her a smile, folding his hands on his clipboard that rested on his lap. The clock ticked to mark the duration of the hour, signaling that the session was over. 

"Looks like that's time. See you next week?" 

"I don't have much of a choice, but okay." 

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"Holland! Wait up!"

Lily pranced over to her side, locking her arm around Holland's. Something about her new found friend made her smile, the endearment of how positive she was even though she was battling something far more extreme than nothingness. 

"How did your first therapy session go?" 

She inquired as they walked down the whitewashed hallway to a center room where orderlies were waiting to permit them outside. But not real outside, they weren't free to roam about, they were confined to a large, fenced in, grassy court yard with a basketball hoop and a couple of picnic tables. 

How am I not supposed to compare this place to a prison again?

"Okay, I guess. I kinda got this weird vibe from the therapist though. I swear he was about to tell me I was 'too pretty to be sad.'" 

"You got Dr. Greenwood, didn't you?" 

"What? Yes...How did you know that?" 

"He gives everyone that vibe." 

"Oh, that's not really reassuring. I'm not sure I can trust someone like that with my thoughts," she said, passing through the doors to the pseudo-freedom. 

"You can't trust anyone. Everyone in here is nuts. Even the staff, you know, that whole 'to get through to the crazy person, you gotta think like a crazy person' mentality bullshit." 

"Thank you for the heart attack, Eli. We appreciate it," Lily remarked, punching his shoulder facetiously. 

The three walked over to a bench that was nestled underneath a tall tree with vibrant green leaves, overgrowing the fence. 

"A lovely day in the prison yard," Holland said, "Hey, Eli, I can pay you back real good if you can bum some smokes," she laughed, Lily joining her.

Eli looked over both his shoulders before sliding a single cigarette  out of his pocket and offering it to her with a grin. 

"Free of charge. Unless you just want to be a gracious customer."

Hey eyes widened for a moment before she slipped the cigarette into her pocket. She'd keep that for a time she really needed it. 

He sat down beside her on the bench, sandwiching her between himself and Lily. The June sunshine basked upon her colorless cheeks, radiating into her pores. She shut her eyes, imagining being somewhere that wasn't here. And for a moment, she was. Her fingers ran through lush grass while she lay there, the sound of running water harbored by the creek at her feet. She was serene. 

Thunder cracked in her ears and a gust of wind brushed against her face, threatening the sanctuary.  She looked upwards but the sky was a crystal clear blue. 

"--Hey, watch it, asshole!" 

Her eyes sprang open, catching the glimpse of orange that Eli was now lurching forward like a javelin. Not thunder, not wind. A basketball. 

She was still here.

A sigh left Holland's lips when she stood and carried herself over to the fence, her fingers wrapping around the holes in the chain link. Somehow he was always there to stop bad things from happening to her. How? Why? 

Maybe he wanted to save her. 

Maybe she couldn't be saved.

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The paper cup fell into the trashcan as Holland downed the medication they had put her on. Antidepressants and something to help her sleep is what they said, but who was she to really know? After all, not trusting anyone had been drilled into her head since she got here. It was from other patients, but wouldn't they know better than anyone, even if they buoyed in and out of conscious reality?

She waited behind a middle aged woman that was on the telephone, talking about how 'The Darkness' was coming for her. A nurse came by, and she started luring the woman away from the phone. 

"Tell Scruffy goodbye, Susan. Come on, I hear they are painting. You can paint Scruffy a picture, he will love it. He can put it up in his doghouse." 

The lady's face was etched with a smile as she looked at Holland and gave her the phone. She gave a brief smile to the two as they walked away. A voice came through the speaker and Holland raised it to her ear perplexed. 

"We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again."

Jesus I need out of this place. 

She hung up the phone and picked it up again, dialing her mother's number. It was one of the few that she had memorized. 

"Hi, mom." 

"Holland, ugh, sweetie I'm so sorry the showcase had to happen in a time like this. I wish you could be here, you would love it." 

"I would. I've always wanted to go to California. I'd go to Montana if it meant getting out of here though. Have you and dad talked about that at all?" 

"I know it's not the best place to be, but you sound like you're doing better. I know you, I can tell these things." 

She sighed, silently thumping her head against the wall repeatedly. 

"I do have some good news for you though, Hol." 

The only good news that she wanted was her release from this four walled constraint. Nothing else came close to just wanting this to be over. To at least get the chance to do this on her own without some psych tech in white scrubs facilitating her every move and telling her when she could use her dental floss. 

"What is it?" 

"Jesse called. He's gonna come visit! Won't that be fun?"