“It feels like it’s been awhile since our last session, I was starting to think you just didn’t like me as a therapist,” the doctor chuckled, “So, Holland. You’re nineteen, so legally your parents can’t force you to be under our care, so how come you have chosen to stay?”
Her face looked perplexed as she thought the answer was hardly difficult to figure out.
“I want to get help for the cocktail that is my mental health.”
He laughed again, the same way he always did at her wit. Even though she had participated in several therapy sessions with him now, letting someone who was honestly no more than a stranger into her mind, the lifelessness of something that is supposed to be lively never did sit right with her. Laughs and chuckles are supposed to be happy and warm, but his seemed distant and forced, like someone pushed a button on a robot.
“But you could go anywhere. Why here?”
“I don’t know. Here is just as good of a place as any.”
“Tell me about the relationships you’ve built here. Any friends?”
“There’s Lily and Eli, but that’s about it.”
At the sound of Eli’s name, the man in the leather chair raised his eyebrow. It’s as if he was saying “Ooooh, Eli,” in his best caddy schoolgirl voice, without the vocalization.
“Eli, Eli,” he paused, trying to put a face to the name, “Oh! Eli, yes. And how is he doing? Have you been alone with him a lot?”
“That’s a very specific question.”
“Do you have more than a friendship is what I mean. Do you have feelings for one another?”
She mulled the questions over in her mind. This was a safe space; she could say anything. But she wasn’t exactly sure. Did she? Did he?
“I don’t know. I think he likes me, but I have a…boyfriend thing. Kind of.”
The therapist’s face seemed to devoid itself of color. He sat his pad of paper aside and rested his elbows on his knees.
“I see. Holland, I need you to be careful around certain people you call your friends. You have your own mental hindrances, but you are of right mind. Don’t forget where you are. There are sick people here and they can be capable of very bad things. Can you remember that for me?”
“So you’re saying I should maintain my deep seated trust issues?”
Another robot laugh.
“Not at all, we will work on all we can while you are here. But for now our time is up. Just keep it in the back of your head and let me know how things with you and him progress, if they do. Have a good day, Holland.”
--------------------
Fourteen.
That’s how many ceiling tiles Holland counted above her on the bed. She laid there contemplating, deciphering all the incoming messages she had received since the day she arrived.
“Only he can give you the key to the closet where his skeletons are,” played over in her mind for what had to have been the one hundredth time. “Be careful around certain people.”
And by people, he means Eli.
What is so wrong with Eli?
“Hey.”
A knock on the door startled Holland from her thoughts as Eli stood in the doorway casually. She sat up a little too quickly, making her head spin.
“Speak of the Devil, I was just thinking about you…”
“Was I naked?”
She swallowed, laughing nervously.
“No, not like that. Come in,” she whispered, giving the blanketed space beside her a pat. The bed bowed with his weight when he sat. Her legs were crossed while he had his feet facing the door, but his eyes directed at her halfhearted smile.
“So we have a pattern, I’ve noticed. We do this thing where one of us puts our foot in our mouths and then we don’t talk for a few days. I don’t think I'm okay with that.”
“Oh, yeah, I see what you mean. Seems like we are good at that. I’m not a fan of how my foot tastes, I need a pedicure for sure.”
He shook his head with a grin, “Always something witty to say.”
“Free of charge,” she smirked, “unless you just want to be a gracious customer,” she added, recalling what he had told her while poking fun simultaneously.
“Who knows, maybe I will be.”
Holland felt the warmth rush to her cheeks as the mood somersaulted from playful to something else entirely.
Maybe I want you to…
It was like the more people told her to be careful, to stay away, the more intrigued she became, the more mysterious he appeared. She couldn’t help herself. She wanted to see those skeletons that Lily knew he had.
“You would have to come closer for that.”
The way he tensed made a part of her fill with a sick sense of pride. Like she was getting off on the fact that he was attracted to her, that he wanted her. Maybe it was because she never was certain with Jesse, but with Eli she was. And she was giving into it.
“Do you want me to get closer? Because you can’t take it back.”
The darkness that surrounded him was so alluring to her, and it was like she never noticed before tonight, but now she was aware, and it was quickly becoming a craving she never knew she had.
Before she answered he turned and crossed his legs too, facing her.
“I’ve done bad things, Holland. Hurt people I care about. I don’t want to hurt you too,” he said low, desperation and regret staining his voice, “I could be bad for you.”
Her heart was racing inside her chest as the words rolled off his tongue. Their legs were touching now and she inched her face forward towards his. The room was dark except for the hallway light that poured in through the doorway. It was late, and he shouldn’t have been in here, but something compelled him, and she wasn’t complaining.
His eyes reflected in the light perfectly, capturing their awe. Holland swallowed another rising lump in her throat, this one more desirous than the previous. Her fingers found his cheek, running over the stubble that hadn’t been shaved in a few days.
“I’ve always liked things that are bad for me.”
Before she could catch her breath, he stole it from her. He brushed his lips against hers softly, but with an intent that pleaded to be important. She returned the heat he was giving, sinking into his kiss like it was a big wool sweater on a cold winter’s day. The world seemed to pause, the only thing moving was the electricity that was coursing between them. As if all the bullshit with Jesse, with her father, with her own demented, broken mind, wasn’t there anymore. She was in her safe haven.
She was home.
--------------------
She followed the visible traffic back and forth with her eyes waiting for the sign of her father's arrival. He had called and said that he wanted to talk to her and that it was important. Thoughts of what this conversation was going to pertain to jumped from one extreme to the next.
"Holland, can we talk in a more secluded area," Ares asked.
"Um, okay," she replied walking out to a sun room that encased her in radiant sunlight.
They sat across from one another with her in an arm chair and him on the couch.
Her father had a disposition that was unfamiliar. His eyes looked soft in the way that Holland had only seen when he was looking at her mother.
Oh God... Mom.
"Dad," she said, panicked, "what is this about? What's going on?"
"Holland, I came here to have a serious discussion with you. You've been in this place for a while now, and I put you here. I feel this human emotion, your mother calls it guilt, and it is not pleasant. I wish to relieve it."
Holland couldn't help but turn the corners of her mouth upward in a chuckle.
"You feel guilty for admitting me?"
"I feel this 'guilt' for not giving you the proper opportunity to overcome your addiction at home. You have your father's strength, you know. You're doing exceptional in your recovery. I want you to know something, Holland.
I'm proud of you."
Her rising grin crumbled down into a look of shock and her lip began to quiver. She had waited her entire life to hear those words come from his mouth. She was definitely not expecting this when he said they need to talk about something important. The edges of her eyes stung with the slow forming tears of what could only be gratification.
"I...you are?"
"I am. I know I haven't always expressed in such ways that are convincing, and I regret that. I want my only child to know that I love her."
He stood up and she followed after he gestured her to. Holland was an average height, maybe a little above, but her father towered over her. After all, he was a Greek god. He hugged her, and she couldn't remember the last time he had before this. She etched every last detail of the moment into her mind, the same way the setting sun was knitting its warmth into her skin through the windows.
"I love you too, Dad," she smiled, tears staining his shirt.
"I have to go now, but I wanted you to know that whatever is keeping you away from the temptation, hold onto it. You have the strength of the gods in your blood, and it won't be much longer until your treatment is through and you can have a fresh start. Be safe, and be smart, Holland."
She nodded, absorbing his words.
"I will, Daddy."
I promise. I won't let you down, not this time.
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