"Holland, I'd never hurt you. I love you. And I just want to show you that."
Jesse's words seeped into her mind, the way his skin did her innocent affection. It was the night before her freshman year of high school bloomed into summer vacation, the cool leather of the back seat pressed against her back.
It was the umpteenth time that he had said those three little words to her, so she felt confident that he wasn't just saying it now to get her to give in. She loved him too. With all she never knew she had, she loved him. He made her feel like she was flying, taking her to the highest highs. She couldn't see an end in sight. He'd never quit on her. They were high schoolers, and maybe that whole 'high school sweetheart' thing didn't happen much anymore, but it was still possible, right? She was sure of it.
So sure, she poured her soul and body into him, letting him have every piece and part of her. That's what love was to her.
"--Holland?"
Reality came crashing down around her, and her cheeks were damp, but what else was new?
"Huh?"
"I asked you about the major changes you've had in your life and you mentioned you've recently had your heart broken. I asked you to elaborate and you zoned out after mentioning that he took everything from you," a man sitting across from her stated, his hand out with a tissue in it.
"Not recently. Heartbreak is something I'm familiar with. I'd say this is just a new flavor. You think you've handled it, coped with what you've been put through but life tends to be like college textbooks, it comes out with a new edition of bullshit and the older versions are useless."
The tall doctor couldn't help but crack a smile.
"You still seem to have a sense of humor in you, that's something, right?"
"I wouldn't call it a sense of humor, just unique but accurate comparisons."
"Holland, let me ask you something, do you think this one on one therapy will help you?"
She shrugged, crossing her legs on the couch she was sitting on. Maybe it would benefit, but she felt like all they would do was scratch a prescription on some paper and let that fix her. She didn't necessarily want drugs, she felt like she shouldn't have to take medicine to be normal mentally. She was mediocre in everything else, why couldn't her brain be too?
"I don't know. I'm here, I'm trying, aren't I? I want to be better. I don't mean to be an asshole but look around. The drugs are out of my system, I'm just sad. I don't belong here. There are people here that need more help than me."
"That doesn't make your mental needs invalid. You are just as important as any other person in here. You're my patient and therefore are my first priority. I'll do whatever it takes to be there for you. Remember that."
He gave her a smile, folding his hands on his clipboard that rested on his lap. The clock ticked to mark the duration of the hour, signaling that the session was over.
"Looks like that's time. See you next week?"
"I don't have much of a choice, but okay."
--------------------
"Holland! Wait up!"
Lily pranced over to her side, locking her arm around Holland's. Something about her new found friend made her smile, the endearment of how positive she was even though she was battling something far more extreme than nothingness.
"How did your first therapy session go?"
She inquired as they walked down the whitewashed hallway to a center room where orderlies were waiting to permit them outside. But not real outside, they weren't free to roam about, they were confined to a large, fenced in, grassy court yard with a basketball hoop and a couple of picnic tables.
How am I not supposed to compare this place to a prison again?
"Okay, I guess. I kinda got this weird vibe from the therapist though. I swear he was about to tell me I was 'too pretty to be sad.'"
"You got Dr. Greenwood, didn't you?"
"What? Yes...How did you know that?"
"He gives everyone that vibe."
"Oh, that's not really reassuring. I'm not sure I can trust someone like that with my thoughts," she said, passing through the doors to the pseudo-freedom.
"You can't trust anyone. Everyone in here is nuts. Even the staff, you know, that whole 'to get through to the crazy person, you gotta think like a crazy person' mentality bullshit."
"Thank you for the heart attack, Eli. We appreciate it," Lily remarked, punching his shoulder facetiously.
The three walked over to a bench that was nestled underneath a tall tree with vibrant green leaves, overgrowing the fence.
"A lovely day in the prison yard," Holland said, "Hey, Eli, I can pay you back real good if you can bum some smokes," she laughed, Lily joining her.
Eli looked over both his shoulders before sliding a single cigarette out of his pocket and offering it to her with a grin.
"Free of charge. Unless you just want to be a gracious customer."
Hey eyes widened for a moment before she slipped the cigarette into her pocket. She'd keep that for a time she really needed it.
He sat down beside her on the bench, sandwiching her between himself and Lily. The June sunshine basked upon her colorless cheeks, radiating into her pores. She shut her eyes, imagining being somewhere that wasn't here. And for a moment, she was. Her fingers ran through lush grass while she lay there, the sound of running water harbored by the creek at her feet. She was serene.
Thunder cracked in her ears and a gust of wind brushed against her face, threatening the sanctuary. She looked upwards but the sky was a crystal clear blue.
"--Hey, watch it, asshole!"
Her eyes sprang open, catching the glimpse of orange that Eli was now lurching forward like a javelin. Not thunder, not wind. A basketball.
She was still here.
A sigh left Holland's lips when she stood and carried herself over to the fence, her fingers wrapping around the holes in the chain link. Somehow he was always there to stop bad things from happening to her. How? Why?
Maybe he wanted to save her.
Maybe she couldn't be saved.
--------------------
The paper cup fell into the trashcan as Holland downed the medication they had put her on. Antidepressants and something to help her sleep is what they said, but who was she to really know? After all, not trusting anyone had been drilled into her head since she got here. It was from other patients, but wouldn't they know better than anyone, even if they buoyed in and out of conscious reality?
She waited behind a middle aged woman that was on the telephone, talking about how 'The Darkness' was coming for her. A nurse came by, and she started luring the woman away from the phone.
"Tell Scruffy goodbye, Susan. Come on, I hear they are painting. You can paint Scruffy a picture, he will love it. He can put it up in his doghouse."
The lady's face was etched with a smile as she looked at Holland and gave her the phone. She gave a brief smile to the two as they walked away. A voice came through the speaker and Holland raised it to her ear perplexed.
"We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again."
Jesus I need out of this place.
She hung up the phone and picked it up again, dialing her mother's number. It was one of the few that she had memorized.
"Hi, mom."
"Holland, ugh, sweetie I'm so sorry the showcase had to happen in a time like this. I wish you could be here, you would love it."
"I would. I've always wanted to go to California. I'd go to Montana if it meant getting out of here though. Have you and dad talked about that at all?"
"I know it's not the best place to be, but you sound like you're doing better. I know you, I can tell these things."
She sighed, silently thumping her head against the wall repeatedly.
"I do have some good news for you though, Hol."
The only good news that she wanted was her release from this four walled constraint. Nothing else came close to just wanting this to be over. To at least get the chance to do this on her own without some psych tech in white scrubs facilitating her every move and telling her when she could use her dental floss.
"What is it?"
"Jesse called. He's gonna come visit! Won't that be fun?"
It was the umpteenth time that he had said those three little words to her, so she felt confident that he wasn't just saying it now to get her to give in. She loved him too. With all she never knew she had, she loved him. He made her feel like she was flying, taking her to the highest highs. She couldn't see an end in sight. He'd never quit on her. They were high schoolers, and maybe that whole 'high school sweetheart' thing didn't happen much anymore, but it was still possible, right? She was sure of it.
So sure, she poured her soul and body into him, letting him have every piece and part of her. That's what love was to her.
"--Holland?"
Reality came crashing down around her, and her cheeks were damp, but what else was new?
"Huh?"
"I asked you about the major changes you've had in your life and you mentioned you've recently had your heart broken. I asked you to elaborate and you zoned out after mentioning that he took everything from you," a man sitting across from her stated, his hand out with a tissue in it.
"Not recently. Heartbreak is something I'm familiar with. I'd say this is just a new flavor. You think you've handled it, coped with what you've been put through but life tends to be like college textbooks, it comes out with a new edition of bullshit and the older versions are useless."
The tall doctor couldn't help but crack a smile.
"You still seem to have a sense of humor in you, that's something, right?"
"I wouldn't call it a sense of humor, just unique but accurate comparisons."
"Holland, let me ask you something, do you think this one on one therapy will help you?"
She shrugged, crossing her legs on the couch she was sitting on. Maybe it would benefit, but she felt like all they would do was scratch a prescription on some paper and let that fix her. She didn't necessarily want drugs, she felt like she shouldn't have to take medicine to be normal mentally. She was mediocre in everything else, why couldn't her brain be too?
"I don't know. I'm here, I'm trying, aren't I? I want to be better. I don't mean to be an asshole but look around. The drugs are out of my system, I'm just sad. I don't belong here. There are people here that need more help than me."
"That doesn't make your mental needs invalid. You are just as important as any other person in here. You're my patient and therefore are my first priority. I'll do whatever it takes to be there for you. Remember that."
He gave her a smile, folding his hands on his clipboard that rested on his lap. The clock ticked to mark the duration of the hour, signaling that the session was over.
"Looks like that's time. See you next week?"
"I don't have much of a choice, but okay."
--------------------
"Holland! Wait up!"
Lily pranced over to her side, locking her arm around Holland's. Something about her new found friend made her smile, the endearment of how positive she was even though she was battling something far more extreme than nothingness.
"How did your first therapy session go?"
She inquired as they walked down the whitewashed hallway to a center room where orderlies were waiting to permit them outside. But not real outside, they weren't free to roam about, they were confined to a large, fenced in, grassy court yard with a basketball hoop and a couple of picnic tables.
How am I not supposed to compare this place to a prison again?
"Okay, I guess. I kinda got this weird vibe from the therapist though. I swear he was about to tell me I was 'too pretty to be sad.'"
"You got Dr. Greenwood, didn't you?"
"What? Yes...How did you know that?"
"He gives everyone that vibe."
"Oh, that's not really reassuring. I'm not sure I can trust someone like that with my thoughts," she said, passing through the doors to the pseudo-freedom.
"You can't trust anyone. Everyone in here is nuts. Even the staff, you know, that whole 'to get through to the crazy person, you gotta think like a crazy person' mentality bullshit."
"Thank you for the heart attack, Eli. We appreciate it," Lily remarked, punching his shoulder facetiously.
The three walked over to a bench that was nestled underneath a tall tree with vibrant green leaves, overgrowing the fence.
"A lovely day in the prison yard," Holland said, "Hey, Eli, I can pay you back real good if you can bum some smokes," she laughed, Lily joining her.
Eli looked over both his shoulders before sliding a single cigarette out of his pocket and offering it to her with a grin.
"Free of charge. Unless you just want to be a gracious customer."
Hey eyes widened for a moment before she slipped the cigarette into her pocket. She'd keep that for a time she really needed it.
He sat down beside her on the bench, sandwiching her between himself and Lily. The June sunshine basked upon her colorless cheeks, radiating into her pores. She shut her eyes, imagining being somewhere that wasn't here. And for a moment, she was. Her fingers ran through lush grass while she lay there, the sound of running water harbored by the creek at her feet. She was serene.
Thunder cracked in her ears and a gust of wind brushed against her face, threatening the sanctuary. She looked upwards but the sky was a crystal clear blue.
"--Hey, watch it, asshole!"
Her eyes sprang open, catching the glimpse of orange that Eli was now lurching forward like a javelin. Not thunder, not wind. A basketball.
She was still here.
A sigh left Holland's lips when she stood and carried herself over to the fence, her fingers wrapping around the holes in the chain link. Somehow he was always there to stop bad things from happening to her. How? Why?
Maybe he wanted to save her.
Maybe she couldn't be saved.
--------------------
The paper cup fell into the trashcan as Holland downed the medication they had put her on. Antidepressants and something to help her sleep is what they said, but who was she to really know? After all, not trusting anyone had been drilled into her head since she got here. It was from other patients, but wouldn't they know better than anyone, even if they buoyed in and out of conscious reality?
She waited behind a middle aged woman that was on the telephone, talking about how 'The Darkness' was coming for her. A nurse came by, and she started luring the woman away from the phone.
"Tell Scruffy goodbye, Susan. Come on, I hear they are painting. You can paint Scruffy a picture, he will love it. He can put it up in his doghouse."
The lady's face was etched with a smile as she looked at Holland and gave her the phone. She gave a brief smile to the two as they walked away. A voice came through the speaker and Holland raised it to her ear perplexed.
"We're sorry; you have reached a number that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. If you feel you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try your call again."
Jesus I need out of this place.
She hung up the phone and picked it up again, dialing her mother's number. It was one of the few that she had memorized.
"Hi, mom."
"Holland, ugh, sweetie I'm so sorry the showcase had to happen in a time like this. I wish you could be here, you would love it."
"I would. I've always wanted to go to California. I'd go to Montana if it meant getting out of here though. Have you and dad talked about that at all?"
"I know it's not the best place to be, but you sound like you're doing better. I know you, I can tell these things."
She sighed, silently thumping her head against the wall repeatedly.
"I do have some good news for you though, Hol."
The only good news that she wanted was her release from this four walled constraint. Nothing else came close to just wanting this to be over. To at least get the chance to do this on her own without some psych tech in white scrubs facilitating her every move and telling her when she could use her dental floss.
"What is it?"
"Jesse called. He's gonna come visit! Won't that be fun?"
Jesse needs to be slapped in his bitch ass face. Only 4 chapters and you already have me hooked. :D
ReplyDeleteI agree! I think you'll love him even more soon >_> And really, thank you that means a lot to me I hope to keep it that way! <3
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